Homebound in a couple of hours! I can't wait. 

There's this bitter aftertaste that comes with looking forward to something so passionately. I still think it's about time I start getting my books and thinking cap on. 

Spending my last few hours in LA enjoying a coffee fix and a movie. Cheers to the last Saturday of the year. 

I'm losing it, i swear. I'm still stuck in the airport wondering if their potted plants are the real deal or not. Welcoming usually unwelcomed stares from strangers. Meet my new friend Carlos....fffffffff drools. 

it's practically too late to sleep now. I feel like shit, seriously - sneezing and wheezing my way around the airport. Quietly comforting myself by thoughts of a warm bed and hot chocolate. I just want my ten-hour nap. 

The rest I'll deal with later. Oh Francisco, why do your last hours have to be so painful? 

oh goddddd. I absolutely loathe whiling around and waiting in airports. It makes me feel like I've got so much more to live for. Right now, it's 15 minutes to 4am. bloody hell, I've got another 6 hours to go. I can't sleep, privacy and dignity are privileges. I keep laughing for technically having spent the 'night' lying on the floor in between my brother and a rather hipster-looking minstrel. Quite the charmer he was, really. 

oh wait. i can hear murmurs of disapproval from conservatives. Somewhat along the lines of "oh look! she even sleeps with strangers now!" I am of course only speaking hypothetically. 

With no regards for the date, i don't even know what day it is. I just want to land in LA and get some well-deserved sleep. What's a girl gotta do in an airport quite dead at 4am? 

On second hand, cut the thought. I see a crowd of co-travellers who look like they could be fragrance and apparel models. Now to wipe off the drool and approach them without choking on my own tongue.

At long last, this day has finally arrived, but I still feel a little dissatisfied with the way things are turning out now. Stuck in an airport for the night because my mum felt it was appropriate that my brother and I make a headstart first by train with the heaviest luggages. The worst part is, we agreed to it and we now regret. How ironically funny it is. But oh not to worry, we've got only about another 14 hours to wait...alone. It's almost comical to recall just how much we struggled to get here, who we saw and met on the subway and how I (critically) got myself a luggage cut - just like a paper cut. Hurts like shit though. 

I keep telling myself, I'll pull through the night, but its only freaking 8.30pm. Let the stern staredown from all airport scurity commence. 

Being here has taught me an awful lot of survival, nonchalance and has stirred a lust for travel and a dventure. 

I just realized there's something that I have to point out about a wandress - more specifically a person with a love of wandering, travel and nomadic emotions. 

A wandress' heart has no home. She lives and breathes discomfort, roughing it out on the shores of everything unfamiliar, basking in how alien it all feels. She feels at peace there. A wandress, she'll never fully love a man. It's not that she's incapable of it; but it's because in between her love for a man and her love for wandering, she will always pick the latter. It's not that it doesn't hurt her in losing her man, but it's because in comparison, if she loses her freedom to wander, the void within her gapes at  her hearstrings painfully. She can and she will love, but a wanderer at heart stays a wanderer for good.

The wandering I refer to is completely about a person who is nomadic and prefers to spend their lives living sporadically and on the individualistic track. It's all about independence and a line of distinction that classifies them as somewhat constantly in motion. 

I am not a wanderer, by the way...just thought I'd clarify. But three weeks here, I'm lo sing my ability to actually care anymore.Homebound now.  

Oh, i am confused by time zones. 

Do you ever feel like you're home even when you're not? Much like it's just the way you feel around a place or a person. None in reference, by the way.

That's how i feel now. At home, but in discomfort. I'm far from home and although i love the city of San Francisco and it's eccentricity, it's still an empty love. 

At home, i take hot showers when i'm sad or angry. Here, i take cold showers instead. Considering it's winter, my body is dead. 

Honestly, it's too early for this shit. Have a great day everyone. 

Iridescence of the Heart

As I was struck near-frozen today by the Utah cold, it suddenly occurred to me how blessed I have been. 

The opportunity to see the States is overwhelming and although i have experienced various aspects of the American culture and lifetsyle, i wouldn't want too reside here just yet. America is wonderful, a country where their people are proud of their own accomplishments as much as they are of their diversity. I'd love to live in New York one day, something so riveting about the urban lifestyle that entices me. 

Also, I've constantly prided myself on being organized, systematic and planned. i cannot stand chaos, absolutely. But lately and more accurately, during this trip, i've been such a klutz, misplacing my stuff and getting lost more enough than often. Thankfully, things have worked out miraculously. Thank God.

Furthermore, it is also a moment of discovery and realization. I think I've found how time supposedly heals all wounds, simultaneously like how absence makes the heart fonder, how absolutely complex i sound occasionally even to myself, a birdseye comparison of the american teen vs. malaysian teen (character-wise), the importance of art and culture in one's lifestyle, fickleness of perceptions, living out lies, quality of life and the thoughts of an adventuress. 

Yet, once again, I've come to notice that it's an meaningless and empty existence we try to fill up and fulfil. 

So, i can't wait to move from this spot. five days here is taking a toll on me. i kind of wish for something less exciting to happen. got back from san diego and i wake up to hear a 6.3 magnitude earthquake's occurred there. don't know whether to laugh or cry. 

sometimes, i feel this works like twitter. lol i'm too tired to care. 

it's 3am LA time, seems like i can't sleep off anymore. my head's here, but my heart's at home. i need some warmth, food and tacos. 

i'll never get you. this torrid affair. you string them on and you crash their hopes. 

it's really chilly out here in LA, i've only landed two days ago and i'm struggling to get into the shower without freezing my ass off in between. i'll never be one of those still out and about in shorts and tees. sorry i'm vulgar. it's 4.02am and i can't sleep. 

if you're wondering if i'm equally screwed in the States, i am *insert cynical laugh*. i just want to keep so busy i won't have room to think. this wifi kills me for constantly disconnecting. 

Visited H&M for the first time yesterday, i died within. now i've just got to remember to keep my socks on all the time. it sucks when you're trying desperately to keep your metabolism rate running double high to burn the amount of food you're taking in. 

ack. i fail to see logic in ranting now. i'm exhausted, but i can't sleep. sleepy, but i can't dream. at least i don't want to. 

it's tough love when you care for someone who's only concerned about themselves.  chauvinistic ass. 

source: lovekcsquared57.tumblr.com

I'm terrified of leaving. I don't know why. I don't want to leave. I feel like as if I'm never coming back again. And and and and I still need closure! I still need closure. Lots and lots of closure. I need an explanation and I need to understand. To understand why you did what you did and why you still do it.

Why do you have to be so unpredictable and unreadable? I don't understand you at all and though I try to, there's obviously too much of a difference between us. 

source: cardiostimulator

it's 5am, one day prior to my departure. and i think i've found the closure i needed. 

At home finally after a hectic night. My eyes feel like they're about to start malfunctioning. Anyway, finals are temporarily over. It certainly doesn't feel that way though, i just know deep down there are going to be massive changes next semester and it sucks that i can't be ignorant about it.

I'm not really sure what to blog about now, my thumbs are sore and i'm still suffering a rash from last night's effects. Right now, i just feel so at peace in the kitchen, surrounded by a piling list of things to pack; too lazy to even get my laptop. In all excitement, I've never dreaded a trip this much before. 

Whatever. I'm going to procrastinate packing. I've got a large amount of people i need to talk to before i leave. why? because i always seek closure. 

a post-mortem of pre-death.

I'm 10 hours away from my final paper of the year. Comparatively, I feel slightly comforted that I've covered more than I did at this time two days ago with journalism. Hahaha who am I kidding? Advertising isn't for the weak at heart. Nobody really wants to know which consumer you're trying to fool...I kid. Somebody's gotta do the job and at this point, it's me. 

source: niknak79

I'm fazed by the amount of notes I've made. Round one's almost over. Now on for round two and three. Acckkk. 

"Both can be equally effective; they just touched the consumer in entirely different ways."

I don't know why I keep laughing at this sentence. Get it? Touched. Hahahaha

Ermagherd. It's getting to me, advertising is getting to me. 

At this moment, I'm feeling insane from all the adrenaline. I hope this suffices your curiosity.

Curiosity kills, by the way. 

I think I'm beginning to think of writing as therapy. 

I've got one last paper but i'm so not in the mood for it. i feel terrified and excited of having to leave. at the same time, my heart houses a gaping wound that seems to mend and tear itself up frequently. 

it's almost as if i've learnt to survive in a world of pain, where it doesn't exist, i'd forget and take everything for granted. i guess that's how God keeps us grounded.

you know, i'd be surprised if i met a fellow teen who didn't feel pain. because that'd be weird. just saying.

i can't even cry anymore. and i find that hilarious, my eyes stay dry. ermagerd no, what have i become? lol.  

dissipation beforehand

It rains once more. Such a dreary day in Malaysia. ermagherd. I should probably get used to the feeling before i face an onslaught of cold winds, chills and a crave for the comparative warmth of the equator. 

I need a moment to laugh at myself. I'm in such a foul mood. Whether from studying or something else, i'm not sure. Complex people are complex. But i could hit myself for feeling so devoid of emotions at this hour. I've got a journalism paper tomorrow and I'm halfway done understanding the concepts. I know fully well that my panic jag will kick in at approximately 2am tomorrow, but i can't care. 

The only thing i actually am feeling bothered about is the fact that I find myself focusing more on cardio and tricep workouts , taking long mental walks, keeping more information to myself and wishing for adventure. I want to forget, but now's not the time. I also fully know that it's not the time to focus on being a health freak; but it's a great distraction. 

And i wonder why I have so much to say, but so little ever comes out. Heh the stress kicks in once more. I wanna go for a midnight swim and pre-dawn lights. Before it's too late. 

Something i'll never understand about humans, we always want something we can't get; because the forbidden fruit looks so enticing from afar. But when we do get it, it's usually beneath our expectations. That's when we realize that rules are established for our protection and our best interests. What's to realize if you never learn? What's to learn if you never fall? What's to fall if you never hurt?

source:weheartit

via: t0rtured--within

But, we're cool that way. 

Finals start tomorrow. I'm not ready. again. 

Live a life of confusion

source: we-will-never-be-together

I'm sorry, but I'm always going to be the person who'll -

Always give you up, 

Always let you down 

Always run around and desert you 

Always make you cry, 

Always say goodbye 

Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I'm just, no good for you. We both know it; yet we can't come to terms with it just yet. 

The Clockmaker's Lie

it's a dreary sunday evening and some of us aren't home to enjoy the comforts of our bed and catch up on our lack of sleep.

i'm anticipating dinner and i still have my last assignment to upload. ohmygod and i need to start studying!!!!

even the guys have gotten ahead of me on this one. must catch up. 

maybe i'm feeling much better and more focused. my attention is less spaced and i'm addicted to a diet of high concentration of willpower. anything to keep me going. 

bear in mind, i'm not looking for a lover; i just need a friend. 

I want my warm bed and a good night's rest now. 

via: restaurer

But I laugh; out of cynicism, irony and self-pity. I joke, I never never allow self-pity. I laugh because I have to stay up and finish up my final assignment. And then freaking upload it because I should get it over with and not bother about how others are taking their time.

Three days til finals start, my insides are tingling. 

For tonight, nothing can make me leave my bed.

i swear i blog too much today. gonna go on a coffee run later and see if i can liberate myself from my self-imposed imprisonment. 

i cannot and must not be weak; i should not give in to temptations. it's a disappointment. 

what we can't have, we covet; what we already have, we ask for more. 

too much journalism notes can kill a person's brain cells. but when you're in a house with a fighter, an actor and a dysfunctional liar - you'll learn from them as well. 

for all the things i can't say out here. 

it's an existentialist existence, i'll never really understand. 

i know - blogging during brunch because twitter's too mainstream and i'm much too in love with my current playlist. credits to extra phone memory :3

i digress. the ultimate point here is, i still miss you.  

when it comes to coming to terms with a loss, it's never going to get any easier. it's an unfathomable void of emptiness within your being that you  just can't fill. and you're going to try getting yourself distracted but in the end, you can't run forever. 

it's been years - i hate it. then i realize that i'm filled with voids other people are meant to fill. not just one, and i can't be self-sufficient. 

it feels like dying here - but i won't see you anymore. and we both know it. 

i finally understand what people mean when they say they have too much on their minds. it's freaking 4am and my brain overthinks. i wonder why i'm put in situations like these. is it for laughs? because i certainly don't think its funny. 

when the silence becomes unbearable, that's when you figure out that you're empty inside too. 

imma try to get some sleep. 

via:on3-n1ght

Everything seems like a city of dreams 

I never know why

but I still miss you.

I should be studying hard now. Very very very hard. I'm about to do that. But it's 1 in the morning for crying out loud. I think my playlist deserves a better look at now. My brain is craving a lot of shit and when recommendations come flying in, I just add to the growing list of 'favourites'. 

source: 100304

I should be dancing, like this. Hahaha but I don't care. 

pretend you can't feel, and you won't feel.

hey citizens,

i am once more blogging from my phone, because i feel that the last day of november should be acknowledged. it'll be the 1st of december tomorrow; and i feel pained to note that this is the last month to a very long and eventful year. i'd like to remember, because i'm scared to forget. i'd hate to grow old and not remember what i did when  i was 17 and questioning. maybe i'd still be questioning at the age of 40? 

A plethora of things has happened this year, reminiscing it often brings me bitterness, but i note that i have changed so much as a person and my expectations of life have developed further.

i don't want to turn 18 knowing i didn't do things the way i should have, but that's what youth is for, isn't it? to stumble,  fall and get hurt - only to pick ourselves up later. i've learnt the weak always stay down, but the strong pick themselves up. they don't recover immediately, but that's where they're strong, they put on a front the world cannot see through.

Days ago, i came to an epiphany. we often overlook the fact that everyone has a past, something painful that hurts them and still does; because we're too caught up with our own lives. sometimes, i wish i wasn't so self absorbed, but honestly honestly honestly - who has time to worry about others when you're struggling in your own shoes enough as it is?

I've  also learnt that physical attractions are fleeting and shortlived. one can't be affected by something when they don't allow themselves to be affected. i refuse to think,  most of the time. and i'm awfully good at pretending, so much to the point of believing my own pretenses. 

i'd like a real mental, emotional and spiritual connection, not something anyone else can tap into, but a world that is exclusively for the both of us. because romance should never be open. 

sometimes, we just grow too tired of caring anymore. 

happy november everyone. cheers to the 11th month of the year. may it be a time of lessons learnt. 

screw it, imma head back to my books, cause i have a long night ahead. i long for a drink. wtf. 

via: secretdreamlife

I find peace when it rains. Even if it makes me feel crappy. Somehow, something about being surrounded by water makes me feel so liberated and insecure at the same time. 

Hahahahaha I laugh because I can't cry. Goodnight.

via:neelam231

I was thinking I could crash early tonight, but I guess not? 

I still want to hit something badly. My violent bouts tend to get a lot more worse when I'm under much duress. I can only imagine how hard the rest of us are working, and how much easier some of us are having it. screw it.

It used to be because I couldn't sleep, now; it's because I don't have the time to waste on sleep. Usually, when I list out the things I have to do, I feel a little bit better. And at this point, I have two reports and an illustrator work waiting for me. 

Hey, it suddenly doesn't seem so bad. I hate procrastinating, yet; every/all the time, I find myself doing just that. And this week is supposed to be study break, but why oh why are we still having to go back to college to finish up assignments and hand in our final papers. AND study for finals at the same time. 

I'm so tired, but I realized I'm so blessed in many ways. 

I have had an epiphany; where I've realized that not everything that looks like a blessing is one, it could be a curse. And I must thank the Lord for that.

Apart from that, my emotional being will still hurt temporarily; otherwise, time only heals all wounds, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'll look back on this, chew on my lip and sigh saying, "You know, I'm glad that happened, because I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for this." 

Pain is all part of the growing process. And where distance is needed, let there be distance. I'm too tired to care, too confused to give a shit and honestly, too drained to even feel anything. I wish the best for you.

via: ggerrard

Sometimes, I think I hold back too much.

This week, has thus by far been the most sleepless week I've ever gotten. I've spent every single day in college and every night cramming in homework and whatever sleep I can, which is close to nothing and nothing even on most nights. 

I long for a break. I long for fairness to be served. 

And just this morning, when I felt like breaking down; I allowed myself to, for a moment. Only to realize that nothing would come out. My eyes were dry as a desert and my heart as numb as an after-shock. I'm somewhere in between getting really experienced at pain or just growing too cold. 

I don't like being numb all the time. It hurts too. 

via: itstheendlessyearning

It's a tragic world we live in. Always alone.

thesmoketomyhigh

Oh yes. It's Sunday and I'm not in church. I'm feeling ultra-guilty about it.

But I have a load of work to do and we're meeting up again later.

My biological clock is so screwed up, I can't think straight; I can't even see straight anymore.

I can't even remember the last time I got to sleep. No sleep. No sleep. 

Mother of god. 

Coffee, please.

No food, it grosses me out.

And plenty plenty of distractions.

I'm going to put my all into it now.

source: gabriellecott

source:fuckyomutherr

Contrary to the picture, I've been feeling really cold these days. Affected, but unaffected; expressive, but expressionless; and needless to say, I'm devoid of any warmth.

My entire being in a state of numb that I can't comprehend. I don't blame anything, because it's always inside me. But I do think that it's the build-up of having to deal with looming assignments, the pressure of not being able to meet the deadline; my piano exam, impending death and the loss of someone I never knew.

I find peace in so little things these days, that every moment I get, I close my eyes and fall asleep. It's an escapist thing really, to just sleep it off. But if you must know, I don't get much of that. 

Three nights without sleep and a fourth with only 3 hours sleep, I mean...I could really die. Haha 

source:orionfalls

When I think of the future, I really don't know what to expect. I could be gone, soon. Just like everybody could be gone soon. And then I wonder why the hell am I being philosophical at 10 in the morning. It's probably just because I have to be back in college at 11 on an effing Saturday and I'm just too tired to care.

I want to be numb. And have everything muted, for now. I don't want to feel. I don't want to. I'm too tired to do anything not work-related and it's just driving me in endless circles about my own person. What happened to the girl who was so passionate about living? She's gone. Sucked dry.

Maybe she'll come back in a while. 

For now, I just want to cope with everything with a brave front on. I don't want to care where things aren't worth thinking about. So, as of this moment, none of this ever happened. Nothing happened. 

I've been running two days without sleep. I think I could die. I swear.

Somehow, my workload's never-ending. And I just can't push myself any further.
I need to crash now. Badly.

My entire being feels so crumpled, empty and lost. I shouldn't feel this way.
I am confused. I need to sleep.

I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. I must sleep.

When I'm tired, I go through three stages: frustrated, confused and emotional.
And right now, I feel like bawling. Sadly, my eyes are too dry to cope with this. And they're slowly drooping.

God forbid, too much to do and too little time.
I absolutely loathe it when vague comments are given about your work and you are supposed to make amendments based on those effing comments.

A little consideration wouldn't hurt, would it?

I could break something right now. It's aggravation at its peak. Close to 4am and no sign of progress. What the heck am I thinking?

I'll never be a journalist.

I laugh at how pathetic and truthful that sounds.
Yes, I am screwed in my mind at this hour.

source: weheartit

via: stopupsettingyourself

I've always admired patient people.

I don't know if I can grasp on much longer. Everything feels so twisted. I laugh, and others immediately assumed I'm intoxicated. I smile, and they believe everything's fine. Am I that good of a liar?

It's far too early for this, but I need a ranting avenue. And although I'm frightfully surprised of the amount of readers I get, I couldn't care right now. I need to let it out, else my internal composure disintegrates.

The past few days, I've been exhausted to near collapsing. I've been disappointed far too many times and frustrated all the time. It's my own fault, for lacking a system in careful management. I feel horrible that there is an imbalance in the team and that somebody else has to take over my responsibilities since the need has already risen.

I've been questioning a couple of things about myself too. Like for example, my ability to just accept someone for who they are despite the past that they bring. Is it wrong to do so? No, it isn't. But I don't see a hope of changing them. I don't want to make that choice for them, let alone force them into doing something that they are reluctant to in the first place.

I sit here, at my laptop at this ungodly hour. And it's at this minute that I'm fully aware I won't be sleeping tonight. I really really really hope to God that I survive this week. In between filming, getting together our newspaper, preparing for a piano exam (that I seem to have neglected), writing article after article, completing research papers and designs (that have no relevance whatsoever to the subject), attempting to understand ridiculous questions on our student forum - how am I going to manage???? 

I just want to scream and kick something now. Food, sleep, warmth and acceptance are the last things I seek and I honestly couldn't give two shits about my appearance these days.

It's in moments like these that I sought to find peace. I take long walks and I long to light up, but my principles won't permit me to do so. I question my existence and want to cry over feeling so empty, but I don't...because I have no tears to spare - not for myself or for anyone. And it's at this point that I worry, whether or not I'm myself. Whether or not I have lost that compassion and passion in me. 

I guess, for now; I'll be that heartless bitch that everyone assumes I am. Until I put aside my priorities and allow myself to get in touch with my essence once more. 

My thoughts are a jumble at 2. And I don't want to talk about it in person now. 

"Will Nature Make a Man of Me Yet?"

swingingsixties-superseventies

Jean Shrimpton by Terry O’Neill 1964

I digress. It's already Monday. 

Only another month left to the year. Another two weeks left to finals and my departure. Why do I feel so sad? 

I'm staring at a plan of the entire week's assignments laid out for me. I can't even think straight. I don't know where to start. Thinking of where to start itself is procrastinating progress. I hate this feeling. I really don't know how I'm going to survive this week. But I'll take one day at a time, because I can't cope with anything more. 

Will it be safe to say I'm scared? Terrified? Of Friday. I long and dread it. I've been preparing two years for it, should everything work well; it'll mark the end of a bevvy of musical pleasure. 

Anyway, back to more work, work and work. I should talk less too. 

I apologize for the prolonged hiatus. I just felt that distance was necessary.

I need to write about a few things, to get my mind off my increasing workload. 

1. I am a walking disaster.

2. I am devastated.

3. I am chaotic.

source: sweetnovember19

I did not use to be like this, I can assure you. My mind has been really jumbled up lately and it's a mess. I never seem to have sufficient time for anything and anyone. And sometimes, I feel like I prioritize really badly. 

So the past two weeks have taught me a lot about myself and my social environment. I feel that with exposure to pain, we will grow. It's been an emotional roller coaster ride, for all of us. We've been tested - friendships, partnerships, acquaintanceships, my role as daughter and student. I've been tried. Hard too.

For the most part of this year, I haven't felt as confused as I have the past week. Initially, I was riding high, feeling like I was in control. And then I came tumbling down, almost immediately. Never, I reminded myself; should I ever allow myself to feel so affected, but it didn't work.

Can having closure just erase all of this away? I must admit, I'm still really confused. I've been talking to too many people. And sometimes, it just gets even more confusing. But I can hear myself, finally. 

I know it might sound a little self-absorbed, but I've been burying myself in anything that allows me to get distracted. I just need to walk it off and right my head back on. Somebody needs to get her thinking kicking again.

via: ethereo

by Jelena Ura on Flickr.

Like freedom above the sea. It's so beautiful, I could cry.

I had an extremely long and catastrophic weekend. I don't have the time to keep thinking about it because my assignments are bitch-slapping me one by one. Not to mention, my exams are looming really close by. 

But I just felt the need to point it out here: I just hate chasing something that's not worth going for.  Sometimes, you should know when to pull back. But it's too late when you've already gotten burn. They tell me, "get over it". But it's easier said than done, right?

Sometimes, it hurts knowing what you said but didn't mean, meant it all to the other person. 

Oh god, I'm being an effing emo idiot right now, but I'm at a low point. Nothing seems to be working correctly at this point with our projects and next week is cray. I can't even begin to get myself organized once more.

Up until here, I hope to post something worthwhile next time. 

PS. I hate whatsapp conversations that have no purpose. 

I apologize for leaving this entire blog hanging all week. If I confess to being ridiculously busy filming, will you believe me? 

Ha, you'll have to anyway. 

This week has been a combination of the worst and best week of the semester so far. I've found myself enjoying a lot of bonding time in the weirdest of places, talking to the oddest of people and well, just relying on one's instincts to survive and escape this catastrophic week unscathed. 

As the week draws to a close, we're faced with a building pile of assignments. I sheepishly admit that the same thing happened last semester. We were already given our assignments at the start, but nobody works on it until the last minute, right?

Thankfully, I have a great team to boot. You're welcome, guys. Really. I take a moment to self-praise.

But..but...but...there's our college dance on Saturday. And the roadtrip down to Penang. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, with our homework resembling the empire state building now, but; we've planned for this for a long time. So, I'll just live in the moment for the time being.

And to end a really brief post; my laptop temporarily crashed just now. At first I was like, "O.O" and then I started laughing, because I only just realized how disappointing those techie guys would be if they had to fix it - no porn, no self-taken pictures. No dirty stuff. 

Which leads me back to another moment of self-gratification. I've probably got the cleanest of laptops right now.

Let me take a moment off my designing homework to reminisce a little on the few things I have found myself being attracted to this week: road-trips, neon colored drinks, train stations, polaroids and diners.  

Just kidding; who doesn't find these likeable in all senses?

via: surf-hard-or-die-trying

Anyway, I wanted to pinpoint something I found astoundingly amusing this week: expectations.

The expectations I'm referring to here is by all means something that everyone wants out of a relationship; be it a friendship; a romantic entanglement, familial links or merely just a common bond. There's always an expectation there.

Maybe that's why certain people click easier than others? I've always wondered what drew me to my friends and likewise them to me. Is it because we have the same expectations of each other? I really don't know; and I'd probably never fully comprehend the way this bond works.

As we all know, there are certain levels in an ascertained friendship which differentiates individuals from just being mere acquaintances to that of best friends. 

You see, acquaintances are just people you're familiar with, you might know their likes, dislikes and interests etc. But come to common ground, you say hi-and-bye in the hallways, but you never really stop to get to know the other; and frankly, you couldn't care if you wouldn't be seeing them forever again. 

Will it be safe to say that not everyone thinks of us the same way? For example, I could always just assume someone is my best friend, and yet know I don't hold the same label in their hearts. It doesn't matter, right? Because there's a reason why they're holding that label for you. And that itself, is just enough.

My best friend and I have a love/hate relationship. We're brutally honest with each other. Too honest, sometimes. But somebody's got to be. We lay the truth down bare and we couldn't give two shits what each thought of the other. Simultaneously, our opinions matter so much to each other. We're not affectionate around each other; in fact, we barely come into physical contact. We don't talk all the time, but rest assured that; should and in the event that anything severe is to occur, we'd both be among the first to know.

The one person I think about when a crisis strikes me, or just look forward to spilling something exciting that happened, would be the said best friend. 

I suppose I'd enjoy a more affectionate relationship with said person, but things are just built the way they're built and I can't complain. There are a ton of things I'd like to do with him, but the lines have been drawn. We'd never be one of those pairs who text, whatsapp, Skype all the time and take instagram shots of each other like other best friends do. We're not going to go huggy-huggy/chummy-chummy saying "I-love-yous" and "Hi best friend/bye-best friend" shit.

Why? You wonder. I've realized that all those might be sweet and thoughtful, but it also seems rather exhibitionist. Does the world really need to know that you're close? That you secretly cannot live without the other, in a platonic way. No, they don't. Because this friendship is special and should be kept special, with discretion and secrecy in tact. Maybe it's just me. But I like sharing a secret world with just one person.

Likewise with romantic relationships. I don't believe you should be dating your best friend, because that is just impossible. Once again, maybe for me.

I've always lived by this line, "I am low-maintenance, but I have high expectations."

In the sense, my expectations aren't common, they aren't necessarily 'high', I just pay more attention to the detail that others neglect. I respect thoughtfulness, sweetness, chivalry, trust and honesty. Honesty with discretion and rationale. 

I know for a fact that insecurity is part and parcel of every relationship. Don't get into a relationship and not expect any from your partner; because that will be a causal factor should there be a break-up. The various types of insecurity is extremely pivotal. Reassurance won't exactly help a person feel better. That's where trust comes in. One should never let jealousy get the better of him.

I've read quotes on the internet, not that I went looking around for them; they just find me (smacks face). And I guess that jealousy is necessary. Should an individual not get a little, note this - a little jealous in a relationship; you've obviously got an emotionless, cold and distant partner who might not feel the same way about you. 

I've learnt, there's only one way to overcome jealousy. You don't think. You don't think at all, you don't think about it; you forget it. You make yourself forget. And trust. 

And that is why it's a risky thing to be in a relationship. The amount of oneself put into maintaining it might have after-effects should it end. 

Then again, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Live it. 

Everyone has that moment in life when they want to feel weightless. To feel unburdened, to not feel bothered, to be indifferent. To just not care.

psychedelic-seahorse

To be here, but ceasing to care. 

Nobody really wants responsibilities, but we forget they help us grow. I'm tired of them and the expectations that come with it hand in hand. For now, I'm tired and I don't want to grow.

Arh, I'm in no mood to blog. And I have to get down to Malaysian Studies. Although why it even exists as a mandatory subject just miffs me. Nobody pays any attention to it anyway. Likewise for moral.

Guess what? It's obvious somebody needs to revamp the system. They're just wasting our time.

uh oh. i'm in big trouble. i didn't anticipate week this one coming but yet it still did. I even took extra precautions to make sure it wouldn't happen. But nonetheless, here I still wind up. I'm obviously raving about my inability to fall asleep. I'm due up with three hours and here I still am, lacking an avenue to rant about my dissatisfactions. But it'll be all about insomnia tonight. Just hours ago, and pretty much the rest of the past week I've been running on adrenaline. I fall asleep everywhere I shouldn't be sleeping. Right now, that prospect would seem so luxurious, and I honestly couldn't care less about falling asleep in class tomorrow, if it weren't for all these assignments taking up my midterm break, I'd have had a decent time. I should be happy I've finished more than the designated workload, but I'm not. The nights are too quiet for me and one's mind can never be as loud as it is now. I can go crazy with my own thoughts. No, it's too early for this. Classes start in six hours and I have a dicussion at 8am. I surprise myself far too often. This girl is delirious once more. Morning citizens.

source: coffee-tumbler

I'm glad we finally have closure here. It's a lot easier to be open about yourself when you don't have to live with so many secrets. The only reason why we keep them is because we know they're not acceptable - 

I would like some hot chocolate, a paperback novel by Ken Follett and be on a park bench in cool October fall weather. Anywhere but here.

The Cereal's Scream

I'll make this a quickie - 

source: metalmouthdudette

Someone really close to me just divulged that change in me has been noticeable. Not physically no, but psychologically, and as a person as well. Apparently, after reading and comparing my blog posts from two months ago right up until now, I am disturbing him - just because I have changed.

There is nothing wrong with change, only; I'd have to agree. I might have changed for better of for worse, but I've noticed that things that used to bother me, don't anymore. In a way that's good? I've taken a less passive approach to certain aspects of my life and I've learnt to be more verbose about my opinions and feelings.

I've learnt, in this span of two months; not to judge others too quickly. For sometimes, even the 'best' of the lot doesn't necessarily mean it'll be the best for you (character-wise, I'm not talking about image-wise here). 

I've also discovered, that within these two months (since the start of my second semester), I've just learnt to let go, grow up and exert independence where others can't. It's not a bragging right, really. It's just an expression of confinement that people tend to generalize with being rebellious. I've outgrown my childhood; although I'm still in my teen years, people have told me I behave far too old for my age but look well, my age. 

And I probably won't be the same person in two months; maybe it's because I adjust quite adeptly (if I say so myself); or maybe it'll be because I've learnt something that will be a stepping stone and a portico of my life - urging me on despite downfalls. Until then, I'm still waiting for the day I'm drawn back onto the right path. 

Anyway, I'm heading out for brunch. Happy Saturday everyone! 

mother of god. it's effing 5am and i still can't sleep. i feel like i'm on a roll. when i close my eyes, i see all these IT terms dancing in my blank head. 

also, considering my touchscreen keypad refused to offer T9 services, i have to painstakingly type  each and every miserable letter. 

so it's basically the end of my midterm break, and i am having an epiphany. considering how far in i've been buried in my work, i still update my blog. it's an avenue to rant, and a pathway for dissatisfaction to be voiced out. considering life is never satisfying.

my thoughts are a mess, but there are too many things coming at me. i have to get up in 3 hours to drive my sister to school, in 11 hours submit my project and write a paper on computing shit. 

my first thought: i am screwed. 

anyway, i digress; the dance is in two weeks. between ranting her, drowning in coursework, nursing a confused heart and balancing a hectic social life (cause yea, i'm ALL that *inserts eye roll*), i still haven't found an ideal dress.

every girl wants to look her best for an occasion like this. i've been stressing out so much over this issue for a week, but then there are more important people to please than yourselves, right?

so where i left off, i've "found" my dress, no it's not ideal - but suitable enough. now only to make it mine. insert cynicism here because i am cynical at 5am. 

and the issue with a date. i'm already going with someone. 

it took me fifteen minutes to type this out. what the hell's wrong with me? bitter teens are bitter. wtf, and for once; i sincerely don't give a shit about spelling and grammatical errors.

i'm going delirious now. four days of crashing at 6am is taking its toll on me. 

Long hair, Don't care.

source: overwhelmedmermaid

Credit: ESO/Igor Chekalin

Why yes, I'd very much like to have a telescope, please. Say what? Absolutely! To inherit one will be even better.

I'm off to bed. Good morning. 

The Mirror suddenly decided to talk back

I slept at 6 this morning trying to finish up my assignments. Almost there...almost there.

Anyway, I tumbled out of bed this morning after my meagre 4 hour 'nap' and felt it was too early to eat anything. Considering how obsessed I've been with food lately, that's been an improvement.

In my household, we practice the 'art' of going by independently - for example, sourcing out your own breakfast and lunch - which in my opinion, doesn't call for invitations. Everyone should be able to do it, if not; you're pathetic.

Since I'm a lazy-ass person, whenever I can't think of what to eat, I just skip the damned meal. 

However; only because I'm on mid-term break and I'm already running low on everything I sought out to achieve, I fit in a massive brunch. And god, am I feeling so full.

source: youraremyremedy

I've always been more concerned about the beverage than the food that actually goes in me. 

I think I pretty much spend my time like no one else does. When I go out, I observe people like how I do minuscule ants; because to understand the psychology of a human being is never easy. Each and every person is made up of complex structures, no matter how simple they profess themselves to be.

In my opinion, I probably could never end up with (a) (self-professed) simpleton. If living life were so easy, where would the fun be? Question me if you feel like I'm broaching into a topic that should be cast into an abyss along with chipped nails and multi-coloured hair. But I can never keep up with them - the simple-minded. And I do feel, that they can never keep up with me either.

It's just amazing to see humans from a different perspective from time to time. They just exist, profess to want something - occasionally never go after it, and carry on with their mundane rituals. I'd prefer if my life was a little more colourful, with colourful people and colourful incidences. But reflecting on that desire, I do take note that it seems that everything that happens to me, is worth being part of a soap opera.

In fact, my entire life should be documented and re-made into a soap opera. I kid you not. Why? It's not as if anybody else wants to know what I've spent 17 years of existing doing, but if they could; for one second, just glimpse into how far (or not) I've gotten and what I've seen, for them to perhaps understand me more, it would be fantastic.

But what I really mean is - everyone is pretty much living in their own soap opera. If I had to watch, I'd watch it all, despite how boring it would seem to the people outside. There is significance in every little thing that occurs, through the things we do; be it only if we're holding a coffee cup with our pinky sticking out, or kicking up dirt as we're walking home from school...or maybe, just crashing in bed and staring at the ceiling, noticing for the first time that there's a smear in the paint. It's all about perspective and digging deeper into how it works us.

Marry me, the person who actually gets this. 

On a second and digressive note, I just abso-fucking-lutely hate it when someone who professes to be all that 'shit' just decides to turn their back on another person over a mistake. Who made you God all of a sudden? Did you not make mistakes too? Oh, shut up and bury yourself. 

It's been one hell of a day and it's not even 9pm.

I would like to talk about a few things that are plaguing me now. Lord forbid, i'm doing this from my phone so things are evidently harder, seeing my thumbs cramp ever so often. wtf

1. swearing

 

I honestly don't swear much...these days. i don't find the need to voice out a harmless sentence by blurring it with something vulgar. there's a distinct sense of undignity there. 

sometimes however, i just get so riled up and angry that these words come spewing out like breakfast. that's the only exception i make. for myself, at least. 

so if you feel the need to swear, please go ahead and screw what i think about you. 

2. "type"

i've heard a lot about types wherever i go. everyone has their own type. mine just happens to be a little screwed up. 

maybe it's because the lines between what is acceptable and isn't are already blurred. 

i'm not a person who's easy to please, obviously. and i hate people pulling cliches on me. there's certainly not enouugh authenticity in our world these days. 

so, i prefer my type any day. and frankly, i couldn't care what others think about it. cause they're not the ones dating him. 

via graciieee11

Quite true, almost true; sorry...it's false.

Oh hi there, it's 1am. Who the hell am I kidding? I'll be darn sleepy in the morning but I have a stack of homework that just won't do itself. Screw this.

via: thereale805

No cliffs around. 

Thank God for laptops and their portability. I've been moving all over the place with my baby today. 

It's good to be home - now back to more homework and music.

Inhale the good shit; exhale the bullshit.

“You gotta have guts to have glory. I don’t have guts and I don’t want glory so I just don’t do anything.”

—	Tom, my fourteen year old brother, on the topic of homecoming dates

source: definemarie

If only I knew more fourteen year olds who had a tongue like that.  

source: anais-the-sunflower-lover

Just cause, normal people are too mainstream, right? =.=

via nicolegoldsoul

Once again, it's midnight on a Sunday night/Monday morning. 

Why is it so quiet tonight? Even the brother is asleep ungodly early today. It makes no sense.

For the upcoming week, I'm going to treat myself to self-pampering, food, rest and plenty of sinful bliss. 

Argh...if only there wasn't so many deadlines to meet, discussions to be held, responsibilities to commit to, tests to study for, boys to fend off, excuses to make, dates to meet and people to catch up with. 

What the hell. Why am I even bothering.

jeffrey-lebowski

Ah, I'm out now. I'm really disoriented. My psychological calendar has gone completely bozo. Screw this. What's worse, I think they think I'm high on weed. But...I've never done that shit before. 

It sucks being so in control all the time; that the one time where you feel like you're slipping out of control and need help the most; they want to refer you to a doctor, a psychiatrist and a therapist. 

Am I really that screwed?

source: 1337tattoos

Midterms are over!!! I can practically do a dance right now, but wouldn't you like to see that? Nah... screw the thought.

Despite the rather easy week that flew by, I've been disappointed a tad too many times. I'm sorry, but maybe I've disappointed him as well. It doesn't matter right now, because I've got a ton on a my plate. And I have a pile of stuff to settle.

My best friend and I are having a breakthrough via Whatsapp, and I realized; it's been such a long time since we've both felt so comfortable with each other once again. Maybe it's me? But...I'm feeling really grateful for everything I have right now.

When something doesn't happen the way you want it to, it doesn't mean it's always screwed. Sometimes, something else happens that'll make you so high in the clouds. And yet - YET; there's always something that'll pull you down.

That's how we're like pendulums. Constantly a threat to our own motion.

I like ink, I'm fascinated by how people ink themselves. Their bodies are memorium of their lives. Sometimes, I feel like doing something about mine, but then...it'd take a lot of thinking for me before I ever get any work done. Haha, oh how pathetic-.-

I'm turning very cynical these days.

It's Saturday! That only means the week is about to start in two days. Unfortunately, I'll be down the first few days due to midterms. But oh thank god! We're having an early weekend, followed by an entire week of intended bliss.

Meh, I managed to speed up the productivity level in my weekend by crashing both my assignments down in a couple of hours. I know you're probably thinking, WTF? But hey, it's an improvement compared to the days spent on one assignment initially. However; I still have an article to submit later and a stack of chapters to study for midterms.

I'm getting all giddy just thinking about my break. Too many things to do, too many people to see, too many hours of sleep to catch up on. And frankly, too much shit I just couldn't care about.

But back to the present, tomorrow's going to be a day spent all-out, so I might not have the time to blog and dedicate this post to someone special. I'm on another blog-appreciative roll, but bear with me.

via lovethywaffle

Waffle and Peanut Butter (by Jessica Coppens)

I'm really hungry right now. And I just thought I'd torment myself a little further.

source: fairycastle

I can't wait for our exams to be over. 

Let's have one of those sleepovers again. Laughing until we feel like throwing up, then climbing into the car and driving to the fast-food joint to satiate my burger craving. I've gone for months without a burger now, my insides feel really raw. 

PS. I miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much.

Urgh, I feel a little sick looking at all the food that I'll probably regret consuming. And I'm wondering how on earth did I manage to start out perfectly fine and degrade to feeling full after a mere 10 minute blog post. 

Good god, I've found a new way to kill my appetite.

via: feelingswithheld

It's me? I guess. 

I don't know how to explain the sense of loss I'm feeling. Why should I feel as if I've lost something before I've even gained it? Maybe it's because of the way things have been falling lately? Like, one minute all's going well and the next, something just screws it up pretty bad.

I have to admit that I've been drifting from my beliefs lately. It's not something I'll be proud of, but I feel that sometimes you need a little bit of space to suffer and learn for yourself.

And then there's the endless feeling of just drifting off into the open space; you're never sure of where you're going. But I'm tired of trying. I'm really tired. The only problem is, I haven't even started living yet.

I've got a long week ahead, but I'm really looking forward to the sleepover on a school night. We'll cry, bawl, laugh and then scream at whatever passes us by. I just need to see stars for a bit...

Cheers to the upcoming midterms. 

source: hereliesdarbycrash

It's the end to another week. I hate how time flies too fast.

Midterm exams are here once more, I'm off to study, study and study. 

Someone asked if I was alright today.

He must've been weirded out when I brusquely told him I'd let him know later.

Things went at a little pace today, but yet again, I'm amazed at how they seem to work in ways we least expect them to.

When I finally met him at the end of the end of the day, he seemed to reel from the shock of me popping up into his face. *I can totally guarantee myself a future in a bipolar institute.

"I'm alright", I tell him, partly because I know I'll be. Mostly because I know it's tough getting used to me. And mainly because I'm not for everyone.

When he smiles and says, "I couldn't have agreed more myself." I just about passed out. Maybe it's because someone finally understands what it's like to be on a roll, always just drifting.

Sometimes I wish we had four seasons. Scratch that, all the time -

It's been so hot lately; I swear I've been getting more and more tanned just walking to my car everyday. 

I had a lovely day today. It isn't because I found our tutorial really practical; something that would actually get me by in life. It also isn't because I had an entire Subway sandwich to myself for the first time (and I asked for everything - accomplishment). 

It was because of him. Maybe he doesn't know it, but the littlest things he does makes me smile.

Like how he literally slapped his face when the silence of the lecture hall was pierced by an awkward tumbling of plastic. And then maybe the sneaky glances he's been shooting over me the past few weeks. It's an odd feeling, to be watched; but I can't say it isn't flattering.

And then the comfortable silence we'd revert into despite how uncomfortable we are around each other. Or just because he actually turned up today. 

Why, I can never explain these kind of things...

Before I start sounding whiny to you guys, 

source: endless-river

It's beautiful, isn't it? But it's an eerie sort of beautiful. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be in the motion of the gif itself instead of living here.

Sometimes, I get myself depressed for no reason.

 source: morganandthetypewriter

It's a little unusual of me to be sitting at my laptop when the clock is nearing midnight in an hour, holding a cup of coffee and sighing over the little things I keep thinking about. 

It's unearthly of me to do so. Mostly because I use the word "sigh" more than I actually sigh. 

That's something you wouldn't know.

And it's also because I'm torn in between three emotions that are wreaking havoc on my already crumbling person.

1. Excitement.

2. Fear.

3. Dread.

And I don't want to have to explain it to anyone, because if you know me...you'd understand I never want to talk about things.

Anyway, I digress.

I just feel like waking up in a foreign city with a cup of tea ready for me.

That one man who'll bring me tea in bed. Husband - that man.

via hipstapleasee

It's not the fear of wanting to let go. It's the fear of holding on.

I haven't noticed how tired I've been lately, at least until I finished my last assignment. 

I've been walking in circles and just not knowing how long I can hold on.

Coursework's been a major suppressive factor in subduing all weary emotions. 

I guess I should be thankful? 

My midterm break is coming up in two weeks, and I feel like bawling instead of rejoicing.

God, I wished I was less confusing. 

But then I wouldn't be as interesting.

And I'd hate to be boring.

My mum tells me a that a piece of art is sometimes like a cry for help.

But what she doesn't really understand is, sometimes; we don't want to be helped. We don't want to be understood, we don't want to be pulled back into normalcy; because our minds are the only things we can depend on to stay insane; to stay sane; to stay the way we are.  

via: etsy.com

via disappointedexpectations

Homework totally shits up your weekend.

I must apologize, I've been very tensed lately. I blow all the time, every time. And I just seem to run on a lack of sleep. 

via nicolegoldsoul

I love getting notes. It's the only human thing left in our world of communication.