Let me take a moment off my designing homework to reminisce a little on the few things I have found myself being attracted to this week: road-trips, neon colored drinks, train stations, polaroids and diners.  

Just kidding; who doesn't find these likeable in all senses?

via: surf-hard-or-die-trying

Anyway, I wanted to pinpoint something I found astoundingly amusing this week: expectations.

The expectations I'm referring to here is by all means something that everyone wants out of a relationship; be it a friendship; a romantic entanglement, familial links or merely just a common bond. There's always an expectation there.

Maybe that's why certain people click easier than others? I've always wondered what drew me to my friends and likewise them to me. Is it because we have the same expectations of each other? I really don't know; and I'd probably never fully comprehend the way this bond works.

As we all know, there are certain levels in an ascertained friendship which differentiates individuals from just being mere acquaintances to that of best friends. 

You see, acquaintances are just people you're familiar with, you might know their likes, dislikes and interests etc. But come to common ground, you say hi-and-bye in the hallways, but you never really stop to get to know the other; and frankly, you couldn't care if you wouldn't be seeing them forever again. 

Will it be safe to say that not everyone thinks of us the same way? For example, I could always just assume someone is my best friend, and yet know I don't hold the same label in their hearts. It doesn't matter, right? Because there's a reason why they're holding that label for you. And that itself, is just enough.

My best friend and I have a love/hate relationship. We're brutally honest with each other. Too honest, sometimes. But somebody's got to be. We lay the truth down bare and we couldn't give two shits what each thought of the other. Simultaneously, our opinions matter so much to each other. We're not affectionate around each other; in fact, we barely come into physical contact. We don't talk all the time, but rest assured that; should and in the event that anything severe is to occur, we'd both be among the first to know.

The one person I think about when a crisis strikes me, or just look forward to spilling something exciting that happened, would be the said best friend. 

I suppose I'd enjoy a more affectionate relationship with said person, but things are just built the way they're built and I can't complain. There are a ton of things I'd like to do with him, but the lines have been drawn. We'd never be one of those pairs who text, whatsapp, Skype all the time and take instagram shots of each other like other best friends do. We're not going to go huggy-huggy/chummy-chummy saying "I-love-yous" and "Hi best friend/bye-best friend" shit.

Why? You wonder. I've realized that all those might be sweet and thoughtful, but it also seems rather exhibitionist. Does the world really need to know that you're close? That you secretly cannot live without the other, in a platonic way. No, they don't. Because this friendship is special and should be kept special, with discretion and secrecy in tact. Maybe it's just me. But I like sharing a secret world with just one person.

Likewise with romantic relationships. I don't believe you should be dating your best friend, because that is just impossible. Once again, maybe for me.

I've always lived by this line, "I am low-maintenance, but I have high expectations."

In the sense, my expectations aren't common, they aren't necessarily 'high', I just pay more attention to the detail that others neglect. I respect thoughtfulness, sweetness, chivalry, trust and honesty. Honesty with discretion and rationale. 

I know for a fact that insecurity is part and parcel of every relationship. Don't get into a relationship and not expect any from your partner; because that will be a causal factor should there be a break-up. The various types of insecurity is extremely pivotal. Reassurance won't exactly help a person feel better. That's where trust comes in. One should never let jealousy get the better of him.

I've read quotes on the internet, not that I went looking around for them; they just find me (smacks face). And I guess that jealousy is necessary. Should an individual not get a little, note this - a little jealous in a relationship; you've obviously got an emotionless, cold and distant partner who might not feel the same way about you. 

I've learnt, there's only one way to overcome jealousy. You don't think. You don't think at all, you don't think about it; you forget it. You make yourself forget. And trust. 

And that is why it's a risky thing to be in a relationship. The amount of oneself put into maintaining it might have after-effects should it end. 

Then again, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Live it. 

Everyone has that moment in life when they want to feel weightless. To feel unburdened, to not feel bothered, to be indifferent. To just not care.

psychedelic-seahorse

To be here, but ceasing to care. 

Nobody really wants responsibilities, but we forget they help us grow. I'm tired of them and the expectations that come with it hand in hand. For now, I'm tired and I don't want to grow.

Arh, I'm in no mood to blog. And I have to get down to Malaysian Studies. Although why it even exists as a mandatory subject just miffs me. Nobody pays any attention to it anyway. Likewise for moral.

Guess what? It's obvious somebody needs to revamp the system. They're just wasting our time.

uh oh. i'm in big trouble. i didn't anticipate week this one coming but yet it still did. I even took extra precautions to make sure it wouldn't happen. But nonetheless, here I still wind up. I'm obviously raving about my inability to fall asleep. I'm due up with three hours and here I still am, lacking an avenue to rant about my dissatisfactions. But it'll be all about insomnia tonight. Just hours ago, and pretty much the rest of the past week I've been running on adrenaline. I fall asleep everywhere I shouldn't be sleeping. Right now, that prospect would seem so luxurious, and I honestly couldn't care less about falling asleep in class tomorrow, if it weren't for all these assignments taking up my midterm break, I'd have had a decent time. I should be happy I've finished more than the designated workload, but I'm not. The nights are too quiet for me and one's mind can never be as loud as it is now. I can go crazy with my own thoughts. No, it's too early for this. Classes start in six hours and I have a dicussion at 8am. I surprise myself far too often. This girl is delirious once more. Morning citizens.

source: coffee-tumbler

I'm glad we finally have closure here. It's a lot easier to be open about yourself when you don't have to live with so many secrets. The only reason why we keep them is because we know they're not acceptable - 

I would like some hot chocolate, a paperback novel by Ken Follett and be on a park bench in cool October fall weather. Anywhere but here.

The Cereal's Scream

I'll make this a quickie - 

source: metalmouthdudette

Someone really close to me just divulged that change in me has been noticeable. Not physically no, but psychologically, and as a person as well. Apparently, after reading and comparing my blog posts from two months ago right up until now, I am disturbing him - just because I have changed.

There is nothing wrong with change, only; I'd have to agree. I might have changed for better of for worse, but I've noticed that things that used to bother me, don't anymore. In a way that's good? I've taken a less passive approach to certain aspects of my life and I've learnt to be more verbose about my opinions and feelings.

I've learnt, in this span of two months; not to judge others too quickly. For sometimes, even the 'best' of the lot doesn't necessarily mean it'll be the best for you (character-wise, I'm not talking about image-wise here). 

I've also discovered, that within these two months (since the start of my second semester), I've just learnt to let go, grow up and exert independence where others can't. It's not a bragging right, really. It's just an expression of confinement that people tend to generalize with being rebellious. I've outgrown my childhood; although I'm still in my teen years, people have told me I behave far too old for my age but look well, my age. 

And I probably won't be the same person in two months; maybe it's because I adjust quite adeptly (if I say so myself); or maybe it'll be because I've learnt something that will be a stepping stone and a portico of my life - urging me on despite downfalls. Until then, I'm still waiting for the day I'm drawn back onto the right path. 

Anyway, I'm heading out for brunch. Happy Saturday everyone! 

mother of god. it's effing 5am and i still can't sleep. i feel like i'm on a roll. when i close my eyes, i see all these IT terms dancing in my blank head. 

also, considering my touchscreen keypad refused to offer T9 services, i have to painstakingly type  each and every miserable letter. 

so it's basically the end of my midterm break, and i am having an epiphany. considering how far in i've been buried in my work, i still update my blog. it's an avenue to rant, and a pathway for dissatisfaction to be voiced out. considering life is never satisfying.

my thoughts are a mess, but there are too many things coming at me. i have to get up in 3 hours to drive my sister to school, in 11 hours submit my project and write a paper on computing shit. 

my first thought: i am screwed. 

anyway, i digress; the dance is in two weeks. between ranting her, drowning in coursework, nursing a confused heart and balancing a hectic social life (cause yea, i'm ALL that *inserts eye roll*), i still haven't found an ideal dress.

every girl wants to look her best for an occasion like this. i've been stressing out so much over this issue for a week, but then there are more important people to please than yourselves, right?

so where i left off, i've "found" my dress, no it's not ideal - but suitable enough. now only to make it mine. insert cynicism here because i am cynical at 5am. 

and the issue with a date. i'm already going with someone. 

it took me fifteen minutes to type this out. what the hell's wrong with me? bitter teens are bitter. wtf, and for once; i sincerely don't give a shit about spelling and grammatical errors.

i'm going delirious now. four days of crashing at 6am is taking its toll on me. 

Long hair, Don't care.

source: overwhelmedmermaid

Credit: ESO/Igor Chekalin

Why yes, I'd very much like to have a telescope, please. Say what? Absolutely! To inherit one will be even better.

I'm off to bed. Good morning. 

The Mirror suddenly decided to talk back

I slept at 6 this morning trying to finish up my assignments. Almost there...almost there.

Anyway, I tumbled out of bed this morning after my meagre 4 hour 'nap' and felt it was too early to eat anything. Considering how obsessed I've been with food lately, that's been an improvement.

In my household, we practice the 'art' of going by independently - for example, sourcing out your own breakfast and lunch - which in my opinion, doesn't call for invitations. Everyone should be able to do it, if not; you're pathetic.

Since I'm a lazy-ass person, whenever I can't think of what to eat, I just skip the damned meal. 

However; only because I'm on mid-term break and I'm already running low on everything I sought out to achieve, I fit in a massive brunch. And god, am I feeling so full.

source: youraremyremedy

I've always been more concerned about the beverage than the food that actually goes in me. 

I think I pretty much spend my time like no one else does. When I go out, I observe people like how I do minuscule ants; because to understand the psychology of a human being is never easy. Each and every person is made up of complex structures, no matter how simple they profess themselves to be.

In my opinion, I probably could never end up with (a) (self-professed) simpleton. If living life were so easy, where would the fun be? Question me if you feel like I'm broaching into a topic that should be cast into an abyss along with chipped nails and multi-coloured hair. But I can never keep up with them - the simple-minded. And I do feel, that they can never keep up with me either.

It's just amazing to see humans from a different perspective from time to time. They just exist, profess to want something - occasionally never go after it, and carry on with their mundane rituals. I'd prefer if my life was a little more colourful, with colourful people and colourful incidences. But reflecting on that desire, I do take note that it seems that everything that happens to me, is worth being part of a soap opera.

In fact, my entire life should be documented and re-made into a soap opera. I kid you not. Why? It's not as if anybody else wants to know what I've spent 17 years of existing doing, but if they could; for one second, just glimpse into how far (or not) I've gotten and what I've seen, for them to perhaps understand me more, it would be fantastic.

But what I really mean is - everyone is pretty much living in their own soap opera. If I had to watch, I'd watch it all, despite how boring it would seem to the people outside. There is significance in every little thing that occurs, through the things we do; be it only if we're holding a coffee cup with our pinky sticking out, or kicking up dirt as we're walking home from school...or maybe, just crashing in bed and staring at the ceiling, noticing for the first time that there's a smear in the paint. It's all about perspective and digging deeper into how it works us.

Marry me, the person who actually gets this. 

On a second and digressive note, I just abso-fucking-lutely hate it when someone who professes to be all that 'shit' just decides to turn their back on another person over a mistake. Who made you God all of a sudden? Did you not make mistakes too? Oh, shut up and bury yourself. 

It's been one hell of a day and it's not even 9pm.

I would like to talk about a few things that are plaguing me now. Lord forbid, i'm doing this from my phone so things are evidently harder, seeing my thumbs cramp ever so often. wtf

1. swearing

 

I honestly don't swear much...these days. i don't find the need to voice out a harmless sentence by blurring it with something vulgar. there's a distinct sense of undignity there. 

sometimes however, i just get so riled up and angry that these words come spewing out like breakfast. that's the only exception i make. for myself, at least. 

so if you feel the need to swear, please go ahead and screw what i think about you. 

2. "type"

i've heard a lot about types wherever i go. everyone has their own type. mine just happens to be a little screwed up. 

maybe it's because the lines between what is acceptable and isn't are already blurred. 

i'm not a person who's easy to please, obviously. and i hate people pulling cliches on me. there's certainly not enouugh authenticity in our world these days. 

so, i prefer my type any day. and frankly, i couldn't care what others think about it. cause they're not the ones dating him. 

via graciieee11

Quite true, almost true; sorry...it's false.

Oh hi there, it's 1am. Who the hell am I kidding? I'll be darn sleepy in the morning but I have a stack of homework that just won't do itself. Screw this.

via: thereale805

No cliffs around. 

Thank God for laptops and their portability. I've been moving all over the place with my baby today. 

It's good to be home - now back to more homework and music.

Inhale the good shit; exhale the bullshit.

“You gotta have guts to have glory. I don’t have guts and I don’t want glory so I just don’t do anything.”

—	Tom, my fourteen year old brother, on the topic of homecoming dates

source: definemarie

If only I knew more fourteen year olds who had a tongue like that.  

source: anais-the-sunflower-lover

Just cause, normal people are too mainstream, right? =.=

via nicolegoldsoul

Once again, it's midnight on a Sunday night/Monday morning. 

Why is it so quiet tonight? Even the brother is asleep ungodly early today. It makes no sense.

For the upcoming week, I'm going to treat myself to self-pampering, food, rest and plenty of sinful bliss. 

Argh...if only there wasn't so many deadlines to meet, discussions to be held, responsibilities to commit to, tests to study for, boys to fend off, excuses to make, dates to meet and people to catch up with. 

What the hell. Why am I even bothering.

jeffrey-lebowski

Ah, I'm out now. I'm really disoriented. My psychological calendar has gone completely bozo. Screw this. What's worse, I think they think I'm high on weed. But...I've never done that shit before. 

It sucks being so in control all the time; that the one time where you feel like you're slipping out of control and need help the most; they want to refer you to a doctor, a psychiatrist and a therapist. 

Am I really that screwed?

source: 1337tattoos

Midterms are over!!! I can practically do a dance right now, but wouldn't you like to see that? Nah... screw the thought.

Despite the rather easy week that flew by, I've been disappointed a tad too many times. I'm sorry, but maybe I've disappointed him as well. It doesn't matter right now, because I've got a ton on a my plate. And I have a pile of stuff to settle.

My best friend and I are having a breakthrough via Whatsapp, and I realized; it's been such a long time since we've both felt so comfortable with each other once again. Maybe it's me? But...I'm feeling really grateful for everything I have right now.

When something doesn't happen the way you want it to, it doesn't mean it's always screwed. Sometimes, something else happens that'll make you so high in the clouds. And yet - YET; there's always something that'll pull you down.

That's how we're like pendulums. Constantly a threat to our own motion.

I like ink, I'm fascinated by how people ink themselves. Their bodies are memorium of their lives. Sometimes, I feel like doing something about mine, but then...it'd take a lot of thinking for me before I ever get any work done. Haha, oh how pathetic-.-

I'm turning very cynical these days.

It's Saturday! That only means the week is about to start in two days. Unfortunately, I'll be down the first few days due to midterms. But oh thank god! We're having an early weekend, followed by an entire week of intended bliss.

Meh, I managed to speed up the productivity level in my weekend by crashing both my assignments down in a couple of hours. I know you're probably thinking, WTF? But hey, it's an improvement compared to the days spent on one assignment initially. However; I still have an article to submit later and a stack of chapters to study for midterms.

I'm getting all giddy just thinking about my break. Too many things to do, too many people to see, too many hours of sleep to catch up on. And frankly, too much shit I just couldn't care about.

But back to the present, tomorrow's going to be a day spent all-out, so I might not have the time to blog and dedicate this post to someone special. I'm on another blog-appreciative roll, but bear with me.

via lovethywaffle

Waffle and Peanut Butter (by Jessica Coppens)

I'm really hungry right now. And I just thought I'd torment myself a little further.

source: fairycastle

I can't wait for our exams to be over. 

Let's have one of those sleepovers again. Laughing until we feel like throwing up, then climbing into the car and driving to the fast-food joint to satiate my burger craving. I've gone for months without a burger now, my insides feel really raw. 

PS. I miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much.

Urgh, I feel a little sick looking at all the food that I'll probably regret consuming. And I'm wondering how on earth did I manage to start out perfectly fine and degrade to feeling full after a mere 10 minute blog post. 

Good god, I've found a new way to kill my appetite.

via: feelingswithheld

It's me? I guess. 

I don't know how to explain the sense of loss I'm feeling. Why should I feel as if I've lost something before I've even gained it? Maybe it's because of the way things have been falling lately? Like, one minute all's going well and the next, something just screws it up pretty bad.

I have to admit that I've been drifting from my beliefs lately. It's not something I'll be proud of, but I feel that sometimes you need a little bit of space to suffer and learn for yourself.

And then there's the endless feeling of just drifting off into the open space; you're never sure of where you're going. But I'm tired of trying. I'm really tired. The only problem is, I haven't even started living yet.

I've got a long week ahead, but I'm really looking forward to the sleepover on a school night. We'll cry, bawl, laugh and then scream at whatever passes us by. I just need to see stars for a bit...

Cheers to the upcoming midterms. 

source: hereliesdarbycrash

It's the end to another week. I hate how time flies too fast.

Midterm exams are here once more, I'm off to study, study and study. 

Someone asked if I was alright today.

He must've been weirded out when I brusquely told him I'd let him know later.

Things went at a little pace today, but yet again, I'm amazed at how they seem to work in ways we least expect them to.

When I finally met him at the end of the end of the day, he seemed to reel from the shock of me popping up into his face. *I can totally guarantee myself a future in a bipolar institute.

"I'm alright", I tell him, partly because I know I'll be. Mostly because I know it's tough getting used to me. And mainly because I'm not for everyone.

When he smiles and says, "I couldn't have agreed more myself." I just about passed out. Maybe it's because someone finally understands what it's like to be on a roll, always just drifting.

Sometimes I wish we had four seasons. Scratch that, all the time -

It's been so hot lately; I swear I've been getting more and more tanned just walking to my car everyday. 

I had a lovely day today. It isn't because I found our tutorial really practical; something that would actually get me by in life. It also isn't because I had an entire Subway sandwich to myself for the first time (and I asked for everything - accomplishment). 

It was because of him. Maybe he doesn't know it, but the littlest things he does makes me smile.

Like how he literally slapped his face when the silence of the lecture hall was pierced by an awkward tumbling of plastic. And then maybe the sneaky glances he's been shooting over me the past few weeks. It's an odd feeling, to be watched; but I can't say it isn't flattering.

And then the comfortable silence we'd revert into despite how uncomfortable we are around each other. Or just because he actually turned up today. 

Why, I can never explain these kind of things...

Before I start sounding whiny to you guys, 

source: endless-river

It's beautiful, isn't it? But it's an eerie sort of beautiful. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be in the motion of the gif itself instead of living here.

Sometimes, I get myself depressed for no reason.

 source: morganandthetypewriter

It's a little unusual of me to be sitting at my laptop when the clock is nearing midnight in an hour, holding a cup of coffee and sighing over the little things I keep thinking about. 

It's unearthly of me to do so. Mostly because I use the word "sigh" more than I actually sigh. 

That's something you wouldn't know.

And it's also because I'm torn in between three emotions that are wreaking havoc on my already crumbling person.

1. Excitement.

2. Fear.

3. Dread.

And I don't want to have to explain it to anyone, because if you know me...you'd understand I never want to talk about things.

Anyway, I digress.

I just feel like waking up in a foreign city with a cup of tea ready for me.

That one man who'll bring me tea in bed. Husband - that man.

via hipstapleasee

It's not the fear of wanting to let go. It's the fear of holding on.

I haven't noticed how tired I've been lately, at least until I finished my last assignment. 

I've been walking in circles and just not knowing how long I can hold on.

Coursework's been a major suppressive factor in subduing all weary emotions. 

I guess I should be thankful? 

My midterm break is coming up in two weeks, and I feel like bawling instead of rejoicing.

God, I wished I was less confusing. 

But then I wouldn't be as interesting.

And I'd hate to be boring.