Salvage. Salvation.

Reaching out to people through writing is something I never envisioned myself doing. On the contrary, I just felt like posting some minor message today. 

Whoever it is out there who is feeling the way you're feeling right now; there's someone out there who feels the same way, someone who cares - who genuinely cares. Who's actually willing to throw aside whatever prejudices and hate they have towards you and just embrace you in a hug the minute you openly let your guard down. 

There's forgiveness. And then there's moving on. 

We all have shitty days and we have those moments where we just feel like drowning in ourselves; crying and ending ourselves. We're at that temperamental period in our lives. 

But let's face it, those who do so are just looking for an easy way out. Cowards. The only reason why we're still here, is because we're strong enough, to face what's coming and take what we can get. 

Then one day we'll look back and realize that something that once mattered didn't anymore. 

source: weheartit

When one says they don't want to feel. It means, they really don't want to feel. 

Should that request not be respected? 

We are, after all; not robots. 

source:weheartit

Let's commit the perfect crime. 

I'll fall for you.

And you'll fall for me. 

via: sarah-venom

During one of the rare afternoons that I had plenty of time to myself. I found myself perched on a chair; perhaps immune to the bustling around me, absorbed in the quiet sanctuary within my own head. 

It occurred to me that instead of happily singing along to certain songs, to actually hum the lyrics and let them digest - to try to empathize with the songwriter. It's not something that I'm akin to doing; as I tend to be as detached from most of the songs that I listen to, only because I have never been in the same position. 

Then I thought about one of my favourite songs to date. "All I Want" by Kodaline. It just happens to be one of those songs that can get a tear or two out of me when I'm having a rough day. I figured if I could really analyze its contents and really really really put myself out there to dare to feel as much as Steve felt when he wrote it. 

"You took my soul and wiped it clean."

"But if you loved me, 

why'd you leave me?

Take my body.

Take my body."

He'd felt so much. 

Something that I haven't dared to do. 

Laura Nelson Photography

source: 4himglory

This is a scheduled post. I figured that if I made scheduled posts occasionally, I'd allow myself the liberty to take some time off and perhaps enjoy a night out; not that I couldn't if I wanted to. 

But as I write this on an unmentioned day, I wonder why it is so hard to come across substantial people these days. When everyone else is just so concerned with the dealings of each day, of each hour; why is it so hard for people to want to read into the complexities of the little things in life? To want to embrace the hardships as lessons. To see beauty in destruction and music in silence. It seems that superficial issues have overridden the appreciation of in-depth complexities. That's probably one of my biggest concerns at the moment. 

So, while I was surrounded by enormous chatter, laughter and plentiful people, why was it that I was looking around for you instead? 

And only to be met disappointed by your absence. 

Nobody does anymore.

source:weheartit

It's not good to be cold.
Neither is it good to be warm. 
It's better than being so unaffected.
Tell me, is it wrong to be attached easily to people? 

No, it's not. 

So, do you think it is wrong to be purposefully unattached to people?

I suppose not. 

It isn't. So don't fault me for it. For I'm only doing what I know.

Why do you do so?

Humans have internal defense mechanisms. Your heart and head happen to be psychological defense mechanisms. If you knew you'd get hurt from falling, what would you do?

Prevent the fall. Avoid falling. 

Exactly. 

It's pizza night. Again. 

source: konika65

“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.
” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

via: goodreads

I haven't had pizza in a while and since I'm at it, nothing does it like pizza does. 

via: anythingthatcatchesmyeyes

source:autumn tea | via Tumblr on We Heart It 

(http://weheartit.com/entry/74375821/via/earthadoe)

I have a fetishistic fascination with scarves and their abilities to keep us warm. 

Something so homely, woolly - thick, thready and a little scratchy against our skin sometimes. 

It feels like home. 

Tuesday Tea Dates

I haven't had a quiet brunch in such a long time. 

Today happened to be one of those days where we were blessed with a 4 hour break in between classes. Seizing the opportunity to utilize the time and catch up on more of our perpetually complex thoughts, my partner in crime and I decided to be adventurous (once again) and sample one of Bangsar's quaint restaurants. "Yeast" provides an inevitably comfortable environment in which quiet conversations run at ease, where we enjoyed steaming cups of coffee and scrumptious croissants and Danish pastries. 

Even though we were 20 minutes late for our tutorial and our attendance was heavily compromised; I'd have done it the same all over again. Bestie dates can never be traded. 

So Indie, it's Indian.

Have I ever mentioned that autumn is my favourite time of the year? Nevermind that it's a little chillier than summer and it signals winter approaching, I just love it so much. 

source: Katurian | We Heart It. 

I'd like to think of my love for an approaching September and autumn as somewhat of a love for anything that symbolizes "change" and the wedge in-between. September's in the midst of the year, marking the end of summer officially; somewhere near the end and yet closer to the beginning of the year than most ought to think. I'm not really sure why I love the month so much; but it's definitely brought me into one of those unexplained high-spirits that noone is accustomed of me. 

In my opinion, autumn is beautiful thanks to everything taking on a new shade of colour. The leaves are dying, and that fascinates me. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my fascination with the death of plants or the onslaught of red, orange and warm brown tones that greet the sights of the people who are fortunate enough to live and be surrounded in such sceneries. 

I love the term - the fall. There's such a beautiful sense of resonance in the term. Somewhere that floats between melancholy and optimism. Something that borders along the lines of beauty and death - symbolizing a phase that fades. It's just hauntingly beautiful. 

via: falteringfootsteps

I just don't understand how one can hurt someone they love so much by being what they are.

I believe in vagueness. I believe it protects you from unwanted attention. I believe being vague saves one from the burden of having to explain and putting oneself out there. But sometimes vagueness can also be the sole reason to why people are attracted to you in the first place; just as much as they're attracted to mystery and questions. So don't try to change that about someone else.

Leave Before the Lights Go Off

I apologize for the lack of updates over the course of the last week. Having been abroad for almost an entire week, deprived of the luxury of having my laptop at my disposal, my feelings of absolute home-sickness have been put to rest when we landed in the wee hours of the morning today. 

I'm merely slugging my bedraggled lump of what some may call a body to my desk in hopes of providing one a possible insight into how the course of my week went. Frankly, I have no intentions of reliving it at all. It's not that the vacation wasn't good, it's just that I think some things are best laid to rest. 

So while I sit here contemplating over some personal philosophies and having wave after wave of internal epiphanies; I must add a little note to what I have been feeling as of late. 

I'd like to think of myself as someone who isn't emotional, but who the hell am I trying to kid, really? To put it quite bluntly, I do come off as the type of person who is impassive, deadpanned, inscrutable or more commonly termed, "poker-faced". In fact, the idea itself quite pleases me. I revel in anonymity and inconspicuousness. 

I really need to cut it all short, so I can tie up these "loose-ends" and prepare myself for an exhausting day in college. What I really wanted to say is that, I feel a mixture between contentment and discontentment for where I am in life right now. It's as if I'm on an eternal journey to find out what my predetermined place is - somewhere along the lines I know I'll get lost, I know I'll lose some sort of sanity and I will make things harder for myself - yet; I just cannot help what's happened, happening and bound to happen in the future. And for that, I am still disconcerted over. Why am I here when I can be elsewhere? 

Amid my exhaustive state in the blistering heat of this afternoon, a dear friend of mine and I had one of those conversations that can thrust one into a figurative state, a state of contemplation and provocative thoughts. Being challenged with the topic of "self-satisfaction", I admit that I am nowhere near attaining that position just yet, in life - and with where I am right now. 

As a new term starts tomorrow, I hold deep grudges for having to be up at 6am once more. Why the hell are Monday classes at 8am? The day is blue enough for one to deal with. 

With this little announcement, I bid to part with you goodbye for today. I'm just too physically and mentally exhausted to think about the term ahead - the challenges I'll be facing and what comes along with it. It seems the longer time I spend in college, the more unsentimental and nonchalant I get. That seems to provide some sort of comfort and disturb to me simultaneously. 

source:autumncozy

September is approaching and I am reminded that I no longer hold a "wide-eyed, innocent" perception of the world to date. 

Right before taking off from my homeland yesterday, I had a brief epiphany...once more (I know. I have epiphanies all the time). This time, it was on a much more personal level.

source: cubagallery

As I sit here in my loft room, in a chalet; facing a beautiful blue lake; I realize, that no matter where one is, if one isn't meant to be there - one will never be satisfied - one will never be fully contented.

I would attach a picture here, but I don't want to give my location away. I must apologize for my lack of blogging, I haven't had sufficient reason to and lately; I've been feeling progressively worse - relapsing or just slipping into a state of exhaustion.

I just crave nicotine, caffeine, sordid novels and monochrome shots all the freaking time. I can't wait to be back in my own bed, by my own fire.

"No more magic mushrooms for you."

via:suddnly

Journals. Journals. Journals. I have to shamefully admit to having abandoned my journal for almost a year right now. It feels painful just thinking about it. The last time I confided in it, I was a broken girl - too naive and trusting for her years. She'd gotten her heart broken then and was wondering what else to do. 

As I look back over that course, I note that it will almost be a year that we've gotten to know each other. I wish we could've done it differently; but you left me no choice. I'm so much more different than I was last year. 

I think I should get a night cap before heading to bed. Oh since when did this girl ever have an alcoholic bone in her body? 

I've been pretty preoccupied lately with plenty of outstanding things to settle prior to leaving on a one-week family trip to Indonesia. Sometimes, I feel that we just don't travel enough. I'm not kidding. 

With brownies, playlists, books, bars, cars, appointments, coffee runs, sleepovers, lunch dates and more curiously dinner dates out of the way; some still to be met on the calendar - I still have yet to satisfy my primary concern to drive downtown and get a fast view of the city on the other side of my camera lens. So much for trying to keep up with a photo-a-day challenge. 

The month of August certainly brings many more unpleasant memories to a close - like a beheaded chapter. It's the end of summer, and the onslaught of autumn is oncoming. I simply can't wait for the cool breeze to wrap up around me. 

When it comes to welcoming a new month, I'm almost at a total loss. I feel far too often for time; much more than I would like to be concerned with. Sometimes, I forget I'm supposed to grow up and I feel like a child far too much to my liking. Other times, I swear; I grow up too fast and I can't believe the person staring back at me in the mirror is not a girl - but a young woman. 

via:rosy-bouquet

Another year's almost coming to an end. I'll be hitting the big 19 in a couple of months. It's only another painful reminder of a year gone by, I'm coming to an end with my teen. Angst and misunderstanding is no longer going to be a reasonable excuse for misbehaving. I'd be expected to act like an adult. 

I suppose what really gets to me is that the fact that I have far too many epiphanies. What worries me a lot is the notion that in possible 5-10 years time I could be sitting in a spot, 1000 miles away from home, with a friend, lover, husband or even child. I know I think too far ahead. But the future just seems so daunting - too daunting in fact; because I do not know what it holds. 

I haven't been feeling very well the past day or so and this morning wasn't exactly the best welcome to the day either. But I get great news - and I believe it's enough opportunity to celebrate with a glass of wine over dinner. 

via: che-floyd

"The next time you kiss, do it in French." 

There's always that one particular friend that one can be with without talking for hours - sitting next to each other in silence; probably enjoying that the most about each other. In fact, it would seem that the entire friendship is based practically on silence and comfort. It's also a form of acceptance. 

A friendship with silence, acceptance and space is so hard to come by these days.

via: tired-offeelingalone

We'd kid around about how much the we felt so out of place, and how we stuck out like sore thumbs. And when they cried, I'd try my best to take it all away; but had to wallow in the fact that I couldn't; and they'd have to get over it themselves - learn a lesson.

Having gone to bed at an ungodly hour this morning, I found myself rather (naturally) sleeping through my alarm until half past 11am. Feeling as if half my morning was wasted catching up on pointless sleep, I dragged my sorry ass into the car and made my sister come along for a library run - a rather obligated run. 

source: weheartit.com/entry/71668252/via/IGottaBeMyself

Don't misunderstand, on a normal day, I'd jump at the opportunity to go to the library and surround myself with the silence of a thousand worlds, my ears plugged up with the music of my choice. However, given how I was in such a grumpy mood this morning, I really wasn't in the mood to be going out of the house. 

Enduring a perplexingly aggravated drive to the library, I got us there in 6 minutes only to find the blood doors bolted with a freaking lock on the gate. Really, now? It's the second time this week making a pointless trip to the library. 

Not many people really regard reading as an important culture to nurture - it's the only way to go anywhere, experience anything, feel, remember anything - from where we are. 

So I really regret having to live in a country where reading is not cultivated or taken seriously. Where the libraries do not permit people non-members to stay more than an hour and frown upon clothing that exposes skin or even "clings to the body"; I'm not even referring to tube tops or mini skirts - but short sleeves and jeans. Pathetic! One might as well turn up naked. 

Oh, I am frustrated - it's another library trip put off. 

I'm in a really good mood right now. Nursing my third cup of coffee for the day, I'm cuddled up on yet another couch in my home; trying to figure out if my holiday list is practical and realistic. I tend to be overly ambitious occasionally...

Having been openly reciting my list for the past week or so, a part of my mind has been subconsciously chiding me, "....and while you're at it, why don't you add in campaign for next presidency of the Obedient Daughters Club; paint a duplicate of "Still Life with Glass and Lemon"; locate the Kusanagi; bake atomic brownies and try not to drown the fish I rear". 

Anyway, I just had to interrupt my very pointless thought process by being distracted with the tempting aromas of Korean food. Oh god (curls internally), it's probably worse than any craving I've had before, but here goes: 

via: thatkoreanfood

Rather than gourmet, I'm more into the very casual street food approach - plenty of kimchi, a huge plate of dukbokki and a bottle of soju. Yummmmm...

I'll just get back to my novel then. 

I'm in a bit of an experimental mood today. Been up to a lot of craft recently; involving Illustrator and well, my camera. I'm not a very good photographer, so I get a little self-conscious when people see my work. Maybe I'll post a picture or two up some day, let you guys see what I've been up to.

Besides this, I've been contemplating changing this template. Something about keeping change real - a new template to embrace new change. I'm not exactly a biggie on technology, so it'll probably take a long time. And given how I'm such a procrastinator by nature, I wouldn't be surprised if it takes months. Teehee. 

source: bookgeekconfessions

I figured days feel longer when they're more of a chore than an enjoyment. My type of holidays are productive ones - although I'm fervently attracted to those; I can't help it if I don't fully abide by it. Waking up early, taking my sweet time in the kitchen, fixing breakfast I usually skip - paying more attention to the things around me. 

I just wanted to take a short moment off heavy thoughts for a bit to note my complacency. While I sit back in a little pot of envy over how fortunate my brother is to be able to travel down to Singapore on his lonesome, right before a BIG family holiday; I might mention, while I have an internal battle on whether to be an adventuress this holiday or to be quite the home bug. 

Home bug it is - 

source:sweetnovember19

I shall slowly work my way through a pile of books I've laid aside for the very occasion, genres that dig through history, politics and adventure all the same. I guess I should count in the Wattpad stories that I've planned to read too, just to make myself feel like some bookish person - Wattpad in my opinion is one of the best reading apps available. I can't say that all the stories are read-worthy, but when you find the gem amongst the millions of other books, one ought to read them. I find Wattpad exceptionally useful to soothe my Romance/Supernatural book cravings; otherwise, I tend to prefer my books in hardware. 

Of course, what holiday is complete without music? 

source: ohyoucrawledoutofthesea

I used to be "passionate" about music. Playing, listening...whatever it was, I just had to be around music all the time, err'day. Then I went through this phase where I couldn't deal with noise, couldn't take the pressure of being around sounds - I surrounded myself in silence instead. But...given how I've seemingly made progress out of that morbid and dark stage, I've made up a list of playlists to go through - trying to fit in as much music as I can this holiday. I seem to be partially over my EDM craze and am going through a mix breed of house and folk music. Also, thank God for music databases - free scores! So it's going to be plenty of sitting at the piano, moving around with my earphones and making up more lists of songs to hunt down. 

Furthermore, what type of girl would I be like if I didn't know how to cook?

I've taken this break as an opportunity to domesticate myself (insert cynical "ha ha"). Given how many times I've heard of students going abroad only to call home desperately asking for homemade recipes from their respective mothers; that prospect of not being able to cook or manage one's meals is enough to terrify me. So it would only be appropriate to learn. With a whole world of dishes and desserts to grace the dinner table, I think I'll be having some fun in the kitchen - minus the time I'll be exposed to bloody bubbling oil. 

via:exodus-honeyy

To top those of, there's still a list of movies to watch; places to go, people to meet and things to do....oh but I won't bore you. 

source: kibouteki

It just happens to be one of those days where I find myself so caught up in visuals, concepts and plenty of nostalgia. I've had a hard time trying to figure out a lot of things as of late; so maybe I've been closed off/distant/nonchalant/ whatever floats your boat, but to me; it seems as if I'm witnessing my life passing in third person. The experience is wholly terrifying as well as exhilarating. I can't quite pinpoint how exactly I've become so....out of it. 

These past months have probably seen the bane of my existence. I've had relapses before, but just not as bad. The drowning feeling that consumes one whole is suffocating to the point of being in your face - everywhere you turn, there's a sordid reminder of how wrong everything is, how you're incomplete, how it's the end of the journey for you. I didn't understand how people could ever be happy then. Even though I still find it hard how some people are always joyful, it's not as bad as it was anymore. 

I don't think it was a very common thing to happen among teenagers; more often than none, it felt as if nobody else would understand, that they haven't gone through something so complex at their age. I can't put it into accurate words - but just the saying, "sad" would sum it all up. There were days that I didn't want to go home; couldn't - where I abstained from silence, disappeared for hours and just drowned myself in the noisiest of crowds, leaving questions unanswered - buried in my thoughts. That phase has passed, but I'm thinking it will come back once more; it's never once left me alone. 

Tomorrow, I start work. And I intend to make the most of my holiday by crossing out several top-notch priorities that I've put on hold. 

I figured since I'm in a sitting position, I might as well get this whole reflection thing over and done with before I end up procrastinating it for another few months. 

Sem Título by Tess Norma Parks on Flickr

via: acupofteainbed

I must start by saying that before I start a new college semester; I tend to hold an optimistic view of the oncoming semester, only to be disappointed and then when I thought back to it after a while, I would just take it in stride and attempt to fix matters later. 

What's noticeable is, as each semester passes; it only seems to get more and more bittersweet as the time flies. This semester, I've lost old friends and made irreplaceable new ones. I've learnt lifelong lessons - not to depend on anyone, don't let others put you down, live for yourself and your loved ones. I've been more resourceful and apt at solving problems. Furthermore, I've learnt to freeze up my emotions and not to feel so much, taking whatever comes in stride; albeit stressing balls over it. One often just comes to a point and realize that some things aren't worth worrying over. 

The one thing that doesn't change over time is the fact that over time, lessons will be learnt; and one will learn to move on from it. And with that brief saying in mind, I move on to another chapter. 

So another day into my holiday and I'm as content as a baby piglet. Not exactly my best analogy right now, but I've decided to spend the night in snacking on chocolate biscuits and a Murakami novel. I apologize for not feeling the need to write at the moment, but I'm really looking forward to doing a post on what my week comprised of, hopefully; I'll remember to do one soon, however; please settle for a food-post.

via: punchingin-a-dreamm

via: foodopia

via: yii-yoko

via: nom-food

Having spent a fair part of my day indulging in a riveting novel on my favorite reading app, Wattpad; I'm just really in the mood for chocolate right now. Brownies, cocoa whatever you say. And if a boy were to come along and offer a date of it, why not? Haha

I'm thinking of baking some brownies this weekend.