It's over. 

We were both wrong. 

Have faith, beautiful.

Tea Time, Edinburgh (by Natalie Champa Jennings Photography)

"Though you weren't mine

You were my first love"

Lullabies - by Yuna. 

Let's all admit, that despite how imperfect we know we are; we are still constantly comparing ourselves to people whom we think up us on a scale of our own idea of 'perfection'. 

We all make that mistake. I make that mistake. And I've been making that mistake more and more as of late. 

But yet, we are loved. We are surrounded by love; all of it, everywhere. And dare I admit, dealing with it sometimes can be one of the most beautifully terrifying things to encounter. 

As people tend to say it, "Good things come and go" (like bad things). 

Like the life of a university student, it won't last forever. Those deadlines will one day be replaced by deadlines that are likened to putting your necks on the line. I will appreciate my last few years as a university student. 

Waking up in the mornings with sleep still etched into central parts of your eyes, stumbling (literally) into the kitchen and trying to fix something quick for an on-the-go meal. Parking in uni is a common nightmare shared by many students. The early bird gets the worm, that's how it always is. 

Morning traffic sees me uttering a prayer along the way. 15 minutes is usually never enough. On good days, I get a comfortable spot; on not so good days, I get an awkward spot. But all days are okay days. Then comes the 15 minutes of cardio that accompanies my classes. As if 8am classes aren't enough, right? 15 minutes of alert walking, surreptitious glancing over shoulders and running (which hasn't occurred just yet) til I get to the "safe zone". 

The adrenaline wears off once you hit your building and you're breathing immensely heavily when you enter your classroom. Be it an interesting or boring class, you'll never feel that 8am classes are worth waking up to, except on Fridays - because 9.30am is a great way to end the academic week. Yayyy! (Unfortunately), I find myself having a purposeless class at 2.30pm. 

So while I whine and complain about how my uni schedule has played out, I must also note that this is nothing compared to how it will be. Walking in Malaysian heat is still something I find along the lines of "whatever-ngehhhhh", but I must be grateful that it isn't raining cats and dogs and my car isn't submerged in the torrential rain puddles. 

Good, good. My weekend is just beginning, but the workload is also just starting. Yeeeeha. 

Have a great weekend everyone!

How did love get so hard?

When talks shimmy over to relationships, i have plenty to say on the matter. 

It isn't easy. Love itself isn't going to keep you happy, solve your problems, pay your bills and keep a family together. It takes effort. 

What if someone cared too much and the other person didn't care enough? What if someone wanted more than the other had to offer? Where it's not a crime to be on either side, it also means that the both aren't meant to be together during that period of time, no? 

Not to mention the scale of hurt a person has to go through. Would it be worth it? It's better to find out if it's worth it to pursue it early in the relationship than years down the line. Things will be inevitably more harder to put off then. 

How long will it be before I decide that you're no good for me, once and for all. 

I don't need unnecessary incidences in my life. I feel it's tragic enough to accommodate myself. How much room can I allow you to wreck destruction and havoc however you want? 

You may think it's okay. But it isn't, not to me. 

And thus, I feel I shouldn't limit myself to you. 

Wow 600 posts. Who am I even kidding? 

With plenty on my plate at the moment, I've found myself transformed into the second most studious I have been in all 19 years of my life. With the big two-oh just round the corner, it feels like a new step in advance as I step out of the doorway of my teens. In fact, the transition isn't even going to be anything short of big. 

The week having flown by in the blink of an eye, I just feel like time is passing too quickly these days. How September-December have these kind of accelerated paces. All the studying and working hard better pay off. 

And I just thought about something while I was doing some extra reading this afternoon. Why do we bother to work so hard? 

It's rather simple: we want to achieve the finer things in life. 

And what are these "finer things in life"? 

I guess it would differ from person to person. I have never been the type of person who wants more than I should have. There's no need for glam, for it's ultimately all a sham. No need for bling or 5-star things. Why? I don't deserve it and neither do I want it. Simply because it doesn't matter. 

So when it comes to materialism, I'm obviously the wrong person to be talking to. 

The nights where she's alone and has the world screeching at her doorstep. All the muted sounds of society only a wall away. It's those times that she's absorbed into herself. 

Everyone is moving and she has no place to go; no place to fit in. Behind the lids of those hazel eyes, it's a theater of emotions. The highs of human emotions as well as the lowest of them all. 

Moving on is a very hard thing. At most times, it seems almost humanly impossible to find a way to fix that default brokenness. There is no tape that can glue one's heart back into place. 

No matter how desperate we are to move on; will it be possible to completely forgive someone? 

Will there be a day when what happen doesn't haunt me? 

I really hope so. 

Maybe one day then it won't be so painful. 

I'm trying to revive my blog. I understand not many people want to read the odd/unusual thoughts of a 19 year old; but frankly, it doesn't matter who my audience is. If I have an audience, even. But it's just an avenue to rant under an anonymous guise. I'm well aware that most my readers have no clue to who I am, as only a very few handful of people have this blog link. 

The past couple of days. Or more importantly; the past 46 hours have been quite the lowest of my life. I have never been so doubtful of myself and of love. 

People who know me know I'm well not one of those girls who allow themselves to be stepped over. I used to be timid and easily afraid; but I am rather familiar with the principle of "if one doesn't stick up for themselves, don't expect someone else to". I pride myself as a person who values integrity, honesty, and most of all self-worth. It is not wrong to be of low self-esteem, but it is wrong to allow others to make use of you for that. 

That being said, I also understand the flaws of a human. I am one myself. So is the boy I happen to love. We all make impossible mistakes. And upon thinking back, want to drown and hang ourselves for ever committing such a crime of betrayal. But that doesn't mean we can turn back time and erase all the hurt we've caused. Our actions are all accompanied by consequences. Some worse than others. 

It was hard learning to forgive and move on. I'm not the type of person who easily forgives; although I eventually find it in myself to (a couple years down the line), I am filled with bitterness and sorrow. I honestly have to thank God for his grace in allowing me to get through something like that. 

The astounding peace I felt was beyond description. So calm was I that I could think ever so rationally. Beyond all the hours and hours of crying, tearing and chest-beating (metaphorically speaking), I was able to put my emotions aside; feed myself some food, dress well, bury myself in some assignments; before I finally surrendered my prideful spirit over to the Lord. 

It was in my time of an extreme low that I sought Him and I sought His comfort. The Lord was there in my time of need. 

And for once, I forgave. 

So much has happened in the past close-to 2 month hiatus I have been on. I have learnt and I lived. Life has been impeccably enjoyable and bittersweet the past couple of months. And when it comes to the experiences one lives through, it ought to be recounted upon with a fresh sense of ease and open-mindedness.

My soul yearns to travel. And I have soothed it in a few ways by making a few trips forth and yonder; trying out new things that I hadn't been able to do before. I wanted to be able to do so much more and I realize that it's not about going the entire distance in such a short span of time; but it's over a long period of time. It's about patience and perseverance.

Now that the semester has started up and I'm in a new place; my third time this year, I find myself picking up some old pieces, sort-of starting over. Not trying to be a new person, but changing into one.

I intend to make the most of the last couple of months of my teen years. There's an anguish embitterment in turning into twenty; stuck somewhere between approaching adulthood as well as having closed the book upon teenager-y.

While my holiday was mostly productively spent settling applications to university, tackling the impending battle of government-enforced surveys (if not, one cannot graduate). I also enjoyed devouring books and Wes Andersen's films. So I would think I spent my holiday rather artistically refined, feasting off literature and independent art films.

But now, it's time to get back to the bitter reality of the life of a student. Maybe life isn't as exciting as it will be in the months to come just yet; but I can feel that it'll peak sooner of later.

It's been so long. And now I'm back for good. With technology at the tip of my disposal. It feels good. It would also do me good to remember not to take it for granted.

So I've just been struck with an array of thoughts.

1. How fleeting life is. Where do we go next?

Over the course of my lifetime, the incident last night will forever remain an etched memory in my heart. Not for what it was, but for what it signified and the pain shared. I've never understood or have been made to go through any experience. So when something like that happened, I just zoned out and life took a turn on its own. When faced with the prospect of death, one tends to question everything about their life. From the sole quintessence of their existence to the very purpose they are living for. It still haunts me. Am I wasting my life and defiling my purpose? Or am I really leading a productive life that I'm so inclined to think I am. Am I making the right choices doing what I do, being who I am?

It's just one of those days where weariness doesn't even come close to saving you the pain of analysing your every breath.

2. It stings when you're put in second place.

Nobody likes to feel that they're neglected. Sometimes one does it unintentionally. Other times, it's just taking it for granted. In my case, it's both. The passive aggressive side of me won't allow it. I'm fucking furious and hurt. But I shouldn't allow it to bite at me. Because I realize two things that - i. no man is worth your tears and ii. Nobody is irreplaceable.

3. You lose her with empty words and empty promises.
She'll remember. Women always remember. The bulk of us have this innate ability to hold grudges. Sometimes this makes us bitter; other times it makes us stronger, keeps us focused on the goal that we've been driven to achieve.

4. You'll know when it's not worth it. And you'll let go.

Why? Because there's simply no point in holding on. Let's never mistake strength for pride, firmness for stubbornness and reluctance for laziness.

I've been on hiatus for quite some time now. Perhaps time enough for my return? 

Meanwhile, I'm still away living the barrack life (sort of). It gets better as the days pass like a fleeting phase, that slips unnoticed in the fabric of life. Such is so that I foresee spending the remainder of my 19 days left on the calendar. 

I simply cannot wait to get out of here when I consider the 3 months I put my life on hold to undergo this period of "commitment" to my country. 

But depending on the way a person sees something and the attitude to which they adapt to a certain situation, the whole issue falls into a fray. Maybe some will learn to enjoy it and others despise it still; but whatever the consequence, it serves to teach everyone a lesson. 

This week:

I have learnt to appreciate every single minute I get to spend with my phone. 

That the worst experiences make the best stories

The most distant of friends will come in handy

It's the bridges in moments that are oft forgotten most

Who knew I'd miss glutinous balls so much!

I didn't think it would be possible to be away from home - in both a sad and happy state. I didn't think it would be this easy and this difficult. I didn't think I'd learn this much from being here. It's as if I've just had the shade removed from my eyes. 

To really know one's value, it would need to see that object being taken away from you in the first place. I've never appreciated the amenities that I took for granted until I stepped out of that door; neither did I realize the degree of the relationships and friendships I had with different people until I left home - and being here has magnified the significance of my discovery of each and everyone's position in my life. 

To say that being a part of national service is a waste of time would be partially truthful. I do agree that this place has a way of making you feel like you have so much more to do; and the pointless sitting and waiting around for orders to be given. Of course I still very much want to go home, but I know the next time I leave home, it'll be a lot easier to cope with.

Perhaps this was the break I needed to discover something in life? Where I could finally discover the importance of being independent and street-smart, or to just know that a person's adaptability is based on his attitude. For how could the bane of so many be the joy of a few? Surely they saw something else that others failed to see. 

With this, I apologize for the month long hiatus and promise to update as frequently as I can. Given the service out here is pretty non-existent, I simply hope that the line here will improve as each week passes. 

She once told me, "It's not always going to be about fun and games. One day, you'll have to grow up too." Back then, I just let it slip a lot, under the pretense that 'I'm young, let me live a little'. Frankly, how many times will I have to pull that line on myself before I get old? I don't know. 

There have been many instances where I wished I could do a lot of things and be in a lot of places, or just simply wishing for time to pass. If I were to think back now, things that I held dear back then don't even mean a blip at the moment. In this instance, it's just me against the world; I know I'm not alone, but I feel like it's a walk to be taken alone. No one can walk it for you. 

When I weigh the consequences before acting upon anything, I often question myself to why I find the things I do at the moment important. 

No, it's not always about fun and games. 

Because it's time to grow up now. 

It's been quite some time since I last dropped word unto this blog. Much has happened. If I were to dive into it, it would be one of the most chaotic lines I'd have to think up. 

Life has just been there. It's fickle, but it's up to us to do our best to make it so much more. 

The one thing I've always loved more than happier times would be my independence. The existence of having no need to answer to anyone. Where you do no wrong and never mess up. The world is your oyster and you are its keeper. 

It would be ideal if my happiness didn't depend on anyone. But I'm beginning to realize that's ultimately impossible. 

It's funny how little things one says can make a person smile for days.

I find it hard to cope these days. It's either too much of something, too little of the other. I really don't understand how some people manage to balance out their time and priorities so well. When I try to draw out a pie chart, that's when I notice I simply have too many things to fit on my plate. 

What happened to keeping a healthy balance, aye? 

With plaguing worries and a countdown that just doesn't seem to get any closer; I feel a little like a drifter, sifting and hoping for the best in life. How can I end it before it ends me? 

I don't know how to put it into words anymore. Like how perseverance is something so pensive that pays off, but the wait to get there is just so hard. I don't know what I'd do without my friends and confidantes. This lifestyle is too fast-paced for me. 

With the whole hype of the mysterious disappearance of MAS' MH370, it leaves nations in shock, people in grief and a gaping hole.

It has also brought to light many shortfalls of the Malaysian government. I can't help but exercise sarcasm each time I watch the news.

I get so angry over how the country is handling the situation. It seems we don't have the right people to handle the press and neither do we have adequate minds to handle search and rescue. What more the nation's security protocols? 

What submarine can only be submerged 20 feet? I'm not even sure what bullshit to believe any more. The contradictions that arise in the news from various parties are too many. And frankly, I'm willing to believe another country's press over ours. 

But screw this shit. 

Just find them. Find them and bring them all home. 

When I compare myself to other 19 year olds, I'm not really sure where I stand. I guess I'd like to be able to say that I've done much more than others my age; but when I truthfully think about it, why haven't I done that? I mean, most of it is within my control and my reach. After all, who's to really stop me? 

I dream a lot. Maybe I spend more than a fair share of time dreaming than actually working for something. That bugs me to an extreme level. And it bothers me that I cannot go further than what I hope for. 

Perhaps, when I've realized that it's not easy surviving, it'll be easier to work. Oh perseverance, why do you desert me so? 

What is it about weekends that fly past in the blink of an eye. I'm irritated beyond my means at the insignificance of each weekend representing the minority of the happiness in my life. 

No, I should rely on myself to be happy. But I simply cannot wait for a dozen things to happen. And better yet, I count down to the days that signify an end and a new beginning. Of course we don't often have opportunities that we do now. I appreciate them, but it exhausts me. 

That being said, I hope for the best. I trust in Him. And I surrender all. 

"What is it about your heart that breaks so easily?" 

An end of yet another month, but I feel as if I haven't yet lived. 

2014, you're moving too fast for me. 

Sometimes I feel as if you secretly read my mind;

And then know just the right things to do. 

To make me keep falling;
I keep falling. 

Please don't be someone I want, for me. 

Be someone you want to be, for you. 

And I will either have to love you that way, 

or lose you either way. 

Stop doing things that will make me fall for you.

There are times when enough is enough. 

Not "just enough" or "fair enough", but just "enough". Stop. 

I feel, the longer I stare at words, the more they lose their meaning. 

I've had Babylon on repeat for the past hour and have only really just heard it. Perhaps I only just started listening. 

"Let go of your heart; let go of your head and feel it now"

What a lesson in a line itself. So I ask myself, "What am I feeling now?" 

We all long for that one moment to be able to say, "I told you so."
But when that moment really does come, nobody ever says it.

Maybe instead of looking at the small picture, it would be good if all of us could take some time off and notice the small little things in the bigger picture? 

For example, smiling at strangers that pass you by. Giving way on the road, holding the elevator doors open for someone. Acting a little stupider for someone who's having a bad day just so they can laugh. Or knowing that you mean something to someone, let them know you're thinking of them. 

When one takes the bigger step back out of their self-absorbed sphere, perhaps then they can really notice that life isn't always about what goes on in their minds, but how one reacts to what goes on in their minds. 

I'm so thankful for my family, my best friends, my friends and most importantly, Him who has never forsaken me. 

It gets harder at every turn. 
I didn't think I'd still miss you. 
And I still do. I miss you like hell. 
Maybe when it's all over, we'll look back
Laugh over it. Like it wasn't a big deal
But it is now. 
And for now, it's still goodbye. 

And once more, the week is coming to a close. It's as if time takes on a life of its own, fleeting through the motions as if it were only a wayward glance. How I longed for it to be over before I faced it and wished for it to come back now that I'm over it.

As I reminisce over the happenings of the past week, I realize it's probably going to be a long while before I can fully recover from this. How far this road has taken me; with my own actions and decisions to blame. I credit the never-ending boundless grace and mercy that He has blessed me with, for I would not have survived this week if it weren't so - damned literally. 

What a way to spend the night - in a rich way. 

Rich coffee, rich ice-cream, rich experiences with a richly experienced friend, rich floral installations as well as richly cultured music and patented feelings. 

How transcendent. 

Read about Rebecca Louise Law and her beautiful hanging flowers, something so exceptionally breathtaking in a common scene. Welcome world. 

I hate it when people let beauty define them. But that's what we all do, don't we?

I'm not even sure why my moods are just so sporadic day by day. It alters just like a flimsy heart. I've been doing some deep thinking lately - nude thoughts; bare-faced and raw emotions. It feels like the world turning on an axis so wide it's confounding, astounding...pointless. It never meets. That's just how parallelism works. 

There will always be someone out there I was bound to meet, but by chance; could not. Just that thought of the prevention of something beautiful happening is catastrophic. Oh how my heart flutters at thoughts so dreary on a Tuesday morning. It is still too early, I fear...for sadness. 

It's only Monday. It's too early for too many things. If it were up to me, I'd take at least 3 days to recover from a weekend of hectic activities. Should that be the way things are, I'm not sure. The repetition that we all face wears us out and it feels infinitesimal. I just want it to end the way it should end, but it goes on and on and on. 

It's only Monday. "Blame it on the Monday blues," she said. I can't, because I know I don't feel like this every Monday, although certain aspects are pretty similar. How does one recover from something never faced before? 

It's only Monday, it's too early to feel exhausted. Because we have yet another 4 days to face. And if every day were like today, where will my willpower be by the end of the week? 

The balance that other people speak of, the delicate juggle between family, work, social obligation and the other smaller categories of self-service that one ought to have, I have not yet found. And although I like to think of myself as having taken that one step closer in finding it, the abyss still feels unchartered. 

Oh, when will it ever be conquered? 

And I miss him so much it's almost illegal.

It's quiet nights like these that drive me insane. Sometimes I wonder why I fear to do things I shouldn't be afraid of and vice versa. How paradoxical this faith is. 

Lately, I feel like I've been flitting in and out of a dream. I hate the night as much as I love it - for at night, it's when work is put to rest and the social butterfly in me comes out for tag-team. Simultaneously, it's the reluctance to end the day and the exponential horror at the mere thought that just that very morning, I was uttering a heart-felt prayer for time to stay still. Yet, things are never at a stand-still. 

So what really happened and what really didn't? It's probably nothing to fret over, but it's still something to ponder on. I feel the change, despite not seeing it just yet. It's the deep crawl that threatens to take over the havoc inside my own head. I know I laugh it off a lot, but I think it's coming back.  

They tell me what happens to a person changes them. What if the change is the cause of what happened? I've finally realized how much a person can lie to themselves - to the point where I question if it even happened or not. 

There's this conceptualized thinking of Valentines Day being for lovers. I've never understood the man's eagerness to participate in that bout of commercialism. Does it make them feel better to be part of the greater majority? Why roses and not poesies? Why chocolates and not burgers? 

I'm not anti-Valentines, not at all. In fact, I'd be mighty happy if someone did something romantic for me. It's just to put it quite simply, I don't understand why Valentines isn't something to commemorate friendship instead? Doesn't that mean so much more? 

And I hate to admit that I finally understand what people mean when they say "take the long and safe road", it saves you a lot of hurt. I didn't expect it to be so hard or painful. But I guess mistakes come in the worst types of pains unimaginable. 

There are a lot of things that can go wrong no matter how hard you try to hold on to it. Sometimes, one just has to realize that it takes more than effort - that it takes two to clap. 

Let's just take this period of 3 days leading up to one of the world's most celebrated festivals to reflect over the fact that people who want to stay in your life, will stay. 

Most people out there do not realize how fortunate they are to be able to fall asleep when they want. How I missed the days when exhaustion would overcome one's body and fill them up like a gas chamber on fire. Such volatile dispositions. 

Now, my nights are filled with half empty coffee mugs, unreturned texts, empty pages of scrawled notes, hanging sentences, the lonesome whispers of my playlist, scatter-brained post-it notes stuck to my walls and tables, driveway chats and the constant feeling of always missing someone somewhere. There's more, in fact; there's a whole myriad I just shouldn't get into, but it's the nagging emptiness that highlights the void that is just becoming a bigger vacuum. 

I miss how things used to be so simple. When the only feelings I could ever get in touch with was elemental, and not quintessential. I've closed more books and said more metaphorical goodbyes in the past week than I have had in the past two years. The feelings of death, permanent loss and savage lies has got to stop. I've heard people drive themselves crazy, and I finally understand because there's a war in my mind that's not just mental and psychological; but it's a consuming entity that cannot diminish like a fire put out. 

Why is the flame so fiery? Why can't it be put out? 

Sitting in between the two people I love most in the world, I feel like I couldn't have asked for a better place to be. But yet there's still so much to see, feel, touch, experience - to be. Just because I could. Just because I can. And still, still I feel so alone in my thoughts. 

I once had a boy say to me, "If you could hear my thoughts, you'd cry." His face devoid of feels; but oh  his eyes held a thousand haunts. I never could quite understand him until I lost him. And losing people is something I will never be accustomed to. Maybe that fear is just what makes it happen all the time?

I've been smiling so much lately I wonder if it's even real these days. Maybe I've been living a lie? I guess the real Oscar goes to me. Can people really be addicted to sadness? 

What a long long weekend. 

"We accept the reality of the world which we are presented." 

Let the week begin! 

So I had the sweetest Valentines proposal ever today. 

And I said yes. 

Because we've been through so much together and there's nothing that could replace that level of trust between us. How I've missed her and still continue to miss her. 

Nobody beats a Valentines than that of your best friend. 

How frank someone can be. 

There are some people - who just know things. It's a scary existence isn't it? We're always lingering in the middle of emotions. I cannot just sit back and laugh at what's not funny because frankly I just don't understand how the world can laugh at something so humorless. So call me cynical, so call me faithless, but that's just how it is. 

To put it in simple terms, I just don't understand. I don't understand how people can drift so far that there's a gaping hole where it used to be intimacy. It's not even physical, believe me. We all could be standing so close but feeling so far. 

And sometimes, all the time - it would be wise to trust your instincts. To trust the little voice in your mind that says it's not good or there's something wrong. Because whatever it is, your instincts will one day save you. With your conscience, it's just otherwise; but we're only human. We live by instinct. 

So don't ask me to stay the night when you know I wouldn't. When you know I've let you go. Gave you up and erected that wall between us. Believe me, you would tell your sister to do the same thing if you had one. Because I'm so done. 

Now that I've gotten this off my chest, let the weekend begin. 

This is so inexplicable, but let's keep it down. 

Let's hate what we've lost and love what we find. 

I'm just beyond disappointed at the moment. And right now, it's like nothing new can surprise me anymore. 

And while everyone is either off on an early Chinese New Year break, I'm still stuck in the office wringing out my frustration on paper and decks. Time, please pass faster.

The month of January has been a "magical" month - how I never expected things to turn out the way they are right now. How on earth does one go through the entire myriad of emotions that I have in the first month of the year? If this is a preview of how my year will be, I'm positive I'll be exhausted beyond my means by June. 

I know the internet is probably not the best place to rant; but when it can get feelings out in lesser time than with a pencil, I think it's worth a try. I feel like such a note-taker these days, lugging my notebook around and penning everything I can down. Yet, I feel like it's just not enough - for not one person can document every moment of their lives. 

Where grief builds character and betrayal develops strength; it makes a person just become so wary and weary of change. And soon, they adopt the person that they weren't before. When that time comes, you lose people and you win some, but it's for the best, I guess. 

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! 

Maybe when people get older, they tend to stop ranting so much on public platforms. I still haven't fully gotten used to that. Maybe, when people get older; they become less afraid and more confident in themselves. I still haven't gotten there. Or just maybe, when people get older; they know what they want. In that case, I've a long way to go. 

It's in the month of January that the world that seems to run around my axis just happens to be falling apart. How many goodbyes I've had to say, how many goodbyes I'm about to say and what's bound to happen without even trying. 

I've learnt a few majorly important lessons. Some of which aren't anything to be proud of, but regardless; the whole deal of learning it yourself just makes it all the more an accomplishment. 

i. Never rely on people to make yourself happy

ii. Never let others dictate your happiness

iii. Trust yourself. 

iv. Just don't care. 

v. Independence is almost...(but not) everything.  

And while I'm at it, Bon Iver seems to be turning up at every interval of my daily dwelling. While I'd like to think it's coincidence, I can't help a nagging feeling at the back of my mind telling me gingerly that there is no way this message is not meant for me. 

via: itstimetogetuptheyallsay 

source: weheartit

"Lay down with me

Tell me no lies

Just hold me close

Don't patronize"

I can't. I can't. I can't. 

I just can't do this anymore. 

When did time and distance ever get so hard?

Everyone has their limits. 

It's best to never push them beyond; over the edge of a bloody cliff/hangar/; bridge. screw it.

via:jeslynnwilson

How many more straws do I have to take?

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." 

How is it only a week into the year and I already feel as if I've seen and felt so much? 

Firstly, there are many things I'd like to write about. It's naturally in my nature to want to talk about things; but I'm beginning to realize that it's not natural of me to want to share it. Somehow, the incidents that have already taken place just 7 days after we ushered in the new year has me questioning my 19th year as a year of utmost important lessons and potentially the year of making the most mistakes. 

i. I've already started my internship and what I've seen to date will probably get tongues wagging and eyes bulging. I kid you not. It's definitely a good experience to work in the events industry. I hope to shed my timid and reclusive ways. At the same time, I also hope to adopt a more individual character rather than that of a manufactured one. Perhaps less is more and more is less here. But so far, what I've had to encounter at work has been eye-opening and made me thankful for so many small blessings we have. 

So cheers to many more late nights, long hours, odd times, queer people, fun surprises and work obligations. 

ii. The second half of 2013 was pretty dull for me. I went through by far the most phases I've ever had to get accustomed to and that was probably the most daunting part of my life - to go through it feeling alone and misunderstood. But I'm out of that and the end of 2013 saw some of the most unexpected incidences happening to me. Albeit not all of them were pleasant, but for those that were; I'm thankful. 

Now that we're in a different year, it'll take some time to get adjusting to. 

But to sum up my fist week; I spent staring wide-eyed at most of the things that pass me by, and I feel like a naivete.