Most people out there do not realize how fortunate they are to be able to fall asleep when they want. How I missed the days when exhaustion would overcome one's body and fill them up like a gas chamber on fire. Such volatile dispositions. 

Now, my nights are filled with half empty coffee mugs, unreturned texts, empty pages of scrawled notes, hanging sentences, the lonesome whispers of my playlist, scatter-brained post-it notes stuck to my walls and tables, driveway chats and the constant feeling of always missing someone somewhere. There's more, in fact; there's a whole myriad I just shouldn't get into, but it's the nagging emptiness that highlights the void that is just becoming a bigger vacuum. 

I miss how things used to be so simple. When the only feelings I could ever get in touch with was elemental, and not quintessential. I've closed more books and said more metaphorical goodbyes in the past week than I have had in the past two years. The feelings of death, permanent loss and savage lies has got to stop. I've heard people drive themselves crazy, and I finally understand because there's a war in my mind that's not just mental and psychological; but it's a consuming entity that cannot diminish like a fire put out. 

Why is the flame so fiery? Why can't it be put out? 

Sitting in between the two people I love most in the world, I feel like I couldn't have asked for a better place to be. But yet there's still so much to see, feel, touch, experience - to be. Just because I could. Just because I can. And still, still I feel so alone in my thoughts. 

I once had a boy say to me, "If you could hear my thoughts, you'd cry." His face devoid of feels; but oh  his eyes held a thousand haunts. I never could quite understand him until I lost him. And losing people is something I will never be accustomed to. Maybe that fear is just what makes it happen all the time?

I've been smiling so much lately I wonder if it's even real these days. Maybe I've been living a lie? I guess the real Oscar goes to me. Can people really be addicted to sadness?