Sometimes, I swear; we're the most dysfunctional family when it comes to individual relationships with the weighing scale. Every single digit is exhibited. It's almost disgusting.

Here I am, perched in the most precariously comfortably awkward position on my kitchen stool; sipping a cup of Chinese tea (only because coffee's bad for pressure cramps and stress acne); with colourful pens aligned in a role (preferably to stimulate physiologically); idly twirling coloured paper clips I have strung; fidgeting occasionally with my phone; just staring at a pile of notes I have been making since the start of the semester and actually wondering why we turn to technology for a release, when we've been burdened by it in the first place.

Studying at night is perfect. Studying at night is great. Studying at night wouldn't be ideal if you've been studying the whole day (or week for that matter) but it doesn't affect you now, does it?

And if you actually read this, you might note the decline in my mental state. Look at how finals drives all of us nuts. I hate updating my blog...but I've been doing it so occasionally now - as a source of relief. Yes, I'm under THAT much duress. 

I haven't been replying texts either. Only because they've accumulated to a mighty number. And also because when I'm studying, I filter the texts that don't contain anything worth discussing or the simple 'hi, how are you?'. I'm sorry, but I'm in no mood to answer, 'I'm fine.' when I clearly know I'll be lying. 

Nobody's fine. Nobody's good, okay? Nobody's ever going to be 'fine'. And it's always going to be the same process trying to figure and piece together a person; who looks fine on the outside, but is struggling immensely on the inside. He's never going to tell you, neither is she. They're going to carry on acting like everything's fine, smile their smiles. Eat their cake and tell you, 'I had fun today' when they most obviously didn't.

Why so? It's because we're all liars. And we're in need of lying. We need to do something about the truth; because we're forced to be honest all the time it pains us. So, I'm not going to apologize and say, 'I'm sorry I'm not able to make it because I have finals.' and I'm not going to whine about it.

I'm going to tell you that I won't even bother considering it because I have finals. And honestly; I don't care. I shouldn't care. Because, to begin with; I've never really cared for things like that.

post-mortem of pre-finals

via lemon-thoughts

I've been camping out on my floor for the past week. Books, laptop, drafts, notes, papers, pins, pens, coffee mugs and plenty of scribbles and doodles. It's a mess. My entire sanctuary, my crib, my abode, my room - it's pandemonium. It's chaos at its primary level.

Now that the entire finals schedule has been finalized, I can't wait for the few more days left. Oh, off to spend the rest of the day productively - by studying for critical thinking. 

Is that even a study subject?

source: takushkanshkan

'Immortal Rose'

....because everything about philosophical movements are beautiful.

Oh my lord, you'll never believe where I'm blogging this from - under the sink.

You know the feeling where you've been staring at summarized notes and lecture slides all day and you're supposed to get something? But you don't. And the state of chaos that your room is in is just so ugh that you don't even have space to walk properly without actually tripping on books, pencils, pens or just some odd bottle of sanitizer? It's as if intellectual hell has just been released on you so much so that the only place that can accommodate both you and your laptop (without much of a distraction) - is under the bathroom sink.

I kid you not. It's actually a lot more cooler than my room and the internet reception is favourable.

If this is how procrastination works, I hate it. The worst feeling is knowing that you could've done something to prevent yourself from feeling as if you didn't know a thing...but still didn't do it. 

I'm thinking I should do some light reading after finals. But will there ever be a more appropriate time? Things are racing and flying past me. Nothing seems to be in control.

I heard of Haruki Murakami only last year, (I know-.- I'm such a whatever when it comes to following trends). At first sight, his works didn't impress me so much. Then I watched Norwegian Wood; yep, the whole close-to-three hours of it; and I found it intensely puzzling. I mean it in the sense that I was until up to that point, completely ignorant of people who lived in a world of their own; their psychological states spiralling out of control; feelings muted and magnified; their aspects so alien compared to our own.

It was beautiful. In a very disturbing way. It still is beautiful. When I saw Naoko (played by the brilliant Rinko Kikuchi); it was almost as if an immunity to grief had just been lifted. I don't know why; but it was almost liberating just watching her pull off her interpretation of grieving. 

And then Toru figuring out the difference between his love for Naoko and Midori was basically the highlight of the entire show. It's such an essential thing, don't you agree; to know yourself. Like for example, knowing what you're attracted to, what you prefer, what you feel and the extent of feeling it.

But Toru and Naoko confuse me. Midori seemed to be the only person who remained clear throughout the entire show. It does bug me a little that she's stick-thin and looks almost child-like. 

via fashion-and-film

“What I feel for Naoko is a tremendously quiet and gentle and transparent love, but what I feel for Midori is a wholly different emotion. It stands and walks on its own, living and breathing and throbbing and shaking me to the roots of my being. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but I do believe that I have lived as sincerely as I know how. I have never lied to anyone, and I have taken care over the years not to hurt other people. And yet I find myself tossed into this labyrinth. How can this be? I can’t explain it. I don’t know what I should do.”

—	Toru Watanabe, Norwegian Wood

source: justizze

Sen Mitsuji

Hey there, I just needed a minute.

I just wish I could match up to the level of his intensity now,

as if he couldn't give a shit if something went wrong.

My life feels so crushed at the moment. 

source: peterhongphoto

Without a further explanation, I think I've been making progress. Oh gracious; I just needed a moment to take some time off and exclaim at my extreme enthusiasm of my upcoming term break.

I haven't actually been sleeping much lately; which makes me worried about the outcome it would have on me physically. I suppose that's why I prefer not to drive these days, for fear of crashing into something, perhaps? But sometimes I have to think sleep's a waste of time; a way of depriving you of doing something else that's more productive.

With the end of official assignments and presentations, we're left to face with the fact that there's only ONE week left to study for finals - less than one week for some papers. I can't believe I didn't foresee this one. I completely neglected to spread my chapters out effectively; this is absolutely pathetic. 

So for the nights to come, I should apologize to myself for "going" to be kept awake into the wee hours, deprived of coffee (because I know it's bad for health) AND food (because snacking in the middle of the night leads to horrible-horrible weight-gain) and just plenty of peace and silence. 

Therefore myself; this is a short heads-up to you that your working and sleeping hours will thus be screwed immensely. 

via indecisive-life 

Chiharu Shiota

Read about her here.

Everything about her work disturbs me. Yet, it just feels so suitable - best to describe how screwed I'm feeling now. Today didn't go too well. Revision week is breezing by too quickly and there's too many things to study. I need more time. I need more time.

I saw you from the balcony today. You didn't notice it. It's pretty hilarious how much damage thinking out loud can do, 'Oh...look, he's in the car.' And I find an entire army of eyes upon my every reaction.

Sometimes I wish that people were just so simple and easy to get along with, why do they always have to complicate things by bringing emotions, religion, intelligence and age into the question. So what? So what? It doesn't matter to me, that's what I'm supposed to say; because it's only politically correct - but it does. It does matter a lot.

source: prettygirlfood

I'm hungry:( But it's time for more studying. 

via bit.ly

Everything about old-fashioned seems really personal. I honestly don't think much of modern relationships, but I do enjoy the more open and relaxed concept they've adopted. I'd hate it if I were to go out with someone who spent 90% of his attention span on his phone; or if he whistles and 'clicks' his tongue for a waiter (which, by the way; I find absolutely animalistic - you're human, for God's sake; act like one). Or if he insists on checking on my whereabouts, reading through my texts or displaying extreme public affection. 

source: oblyvian

So weekends are supposedly for some time-off, it's been going pretty well so far. Halfway through the end of the week and it's time to get back up and finish off outstanding work. 

Oh brother, I sincerely can't wait for Tuesday. 

source: fyeahbigbangtheorygifs

Bad boys...are bad. They're bad news, they're bad influences, they've got bad timing and they've also got a killer charm. They're always late, they skip classes, talk about things you really don't understand, look like they've never given a shit, sauntered into exam halls without having prepared, they make promises they don't bother remembering or keeping (for that matter).

The thing about bad boys is, they're everything you don't want your boyfriend to be; but secretly wish to tame. If you say no, you're probably lying to yourself. But the problem is, you're never going to be able to tame them. You're always going to be 'just another girl' 'just another someone' 'just another stranger' 'just another person I used to have a thing for'. 'Just another' 'used to' what the heck, really? Are you really that low? 

I don't believe in allowing others to put me at that level. It's either, mean something, stay as someone or stay the hell out of my life. Frankly, taming him is an impossible feat and the chances are close to inexisting. You're going to end up hurt, with your self-esteem disintegrated beyond it's living condition. Oh, it's going to be hell for you too. You're going to spend months trying to get over him, you're going to shed a lot of tears and make lots of calls to your best friend to whine/cry/reminisce over the things you thought meant something to him. You're going to become a mess - distracted, unfocused, disoriented, screwed - everything you wouldn't wish for yourself. 

And the worst part is - there's really nothing you can do about it, except get over him. Which as I mentioned earlier, will take a really long time.

So don't tell me I'm such a cold-hearted bitch for not wanting to be a little more approachable. That's because I don't want to get burned, so I'll try avoiding the fire. 

On the other hand, things don't work out the way you want them to. You really can't decide what's best for you, the grass will always seem greener on the other side; and you're always going to find yourself attracted to the wrong things. You're always going to get....served.

To the man who wouldn't look straight;

It was just another day in school, or so I thought. Stacking up the piles of notes I'd compiled from a lecture, I made my way to the computer lab to get some work done. Moreover for the peace from a group of perpetually warmly noisy peers. 

It's always been more peaceful in there. Maybe it's because people tend to think that it's like a brother to the library that they end up whispering instead of talking. Or maybe it's because they're afraid others overhear their conversations? 

I'm not one for conversations when I'm in the middle of working. I like a preferably peaceful and quiet environment, where my thoughts are mine to hear alone. It makes it all the more personalized. 

Snuggled up in the plastic chair, facing a screen which bore no comfort to the familiarity of my own laptop; I struggled to stay awake. The sleep I was deprived of threatened to spread itself over me. Earphones plugged in playing to music on mute just as a sign to others I wasn't up for a conversation. It's serious work, that way. 

But then...out of the reflection of a temporarily black spot on the screen; I see him. He's staring right at me. From behind. 

I don't want to turn around. No, I'd give myself away too soon. Blinking in an oblivious pretence, I falsely assume he's just dreaming; only to realize he's still staring transfixed and blinking at the same spot minutes later. Annoyed and a little irked, I turn around. He blinks and hastily looks away; afraid to be caught. So I was right, he was staring at me.

Contemplating whether to just leave the room or to sit awkwardly until I finish, I find myself turning around instead and asking, 'Hi. Do you know what the real time is? All the clocks in this room are screwed.' 

He blushes. And I avoid looking at him directly. 'Yeah. It's 2:45.' 

'Thanks.' I say and turn around. We don't talk until I finally get up to leave. That's when I say 'bye' and he says, 'I'll see you in class.'

Walking out, I felt completely idiotic for staring back at him with a 'WHAT' expression plastered on my more-than-surprised face. I was pretty sure I never noticed him in any of my classes before. That made me feel like I was turning into one of those girls in Hollywood movies who don't pay any attention to people around them. It's a sad world we live in.

I walked past him again today and he smiled. I guess it's the first time all over again, and I find it so sweet; how friendships and acquaintances develop so innocently. 

via lonely-unicorn

I've never been one for messy goodbyes or fuss over not having expensive gifts. It's really not something that I can envision myself doing. Because if you'd ask me, I'd prefer a calm and tearless farewell; and thoughtful hand-made gifts. I'd rather the privacy of a room to cry in after a particularly painful goodbye, or just privacy  to squeal in glee at having been given something whose creation took so much effort.

I'm sentimental that way. I'm also obsessive when it comes to planning.

It doesn't always work that way does it? According to plan. Nope, nothing ever does. One day, you can be planning out everything you want to accomplish; neatly laid out before your feet. It's a good feeling, to know you're going somewhere. 

But then the next, you find yourself sprawled out on the floor of your existence, feeling like you can't go lower. Just because something went wrong. And something will always go wrong. Just because it can. We have to know that it will never work out the way we want them to.

I should apologize for my lack of updates, but I find no need to. In my opinion, you'd carry on reading this only if you knew me and what I stood for or just because you're curious to what I have to say; otherwise, you'd have stopped reading what I had to say a long time ago. 

Finals are coming, so I won't be at liberty as much as I would like to be. Nonetheless, enjoy what you have now. For tomorrow, it's always a different story. 

Sometimes, I have to wonder if I have sufficient grace from God to live for the next day.

credit to owner

this piece of work is genius, if all GIFs were this clean

Often, we find ourselves living in a blur, out of focus, out of strength or weakness, with nothing left to anticipate or depend on. And sometimes, we feel like we're THIS close to breaking down. I feel that now. No, no, don't worry now; it's an important time. I need to feel like this. It's part of growing up.

So these weeks that are present, have us scrambling to get our acts together; work harder; determine partners for next semesters projects, meeting the deadlines, preparing for presentations and actually worrying about what to wear for presentations. Or in my case; to actually present something without stuttering the shit out of myself. 

Just the other day, I told my friend I could sleep well again. And I wondered if it would last long. It didn't, if I've ever felt more exhausted with everything, it would be now. Yet; I can say I'm happy? If that doesn't sound illogical enough, maybe it's because I know there's something more to expect; and nothing ever goes according to plan.

God plays with my emotions like a pendulum, I could get mad; but I know He wants what's best for me.

via tastefullyoffensive

I haven't been prioritizing lately despite how much I tell myself I have to. With all the activities suddenly pouring in like -, I feel a strong need for silence, space, peace and emptiness. But that's not always how things should go.

I find myself getting frustrated ever so easily and annoyed at the littlest of things.

It's days like these that make you want to curl up in a corner, abandon all responsibilities you have towards completing coursework, sharing in duties as part of a group, practice and the rest of the world. Give me a book, a blanket and a couple hours of rain and I'll spend it wisely.