Homebound in a couple of hours! I can't wait. 

There's this bitter aftertaste that comes with looking forward to something so passionately. I still think it's about time I start getting my books and thinking cap on. 

Spending my last few hours in LA enjoying a coffee fix and a movie. Cheers to the last Saturday of the year. 

I'm losing it, i swear. I'm still stuck in the airport wondering if their potted plants are the real deal or not. Welcoming usually unwelcomed stares from strangers. Meet my new friend Carlos....fffffffff drools. 

it's practically too late to sleep now. I feel like shit, seriously - sneezing and wheezing my way around the airport. Quietly comforting myself by thoughts of a warm bed and hot chocolate. I just want my ten-hour nap. 

The rest I'll deal with later. Oh Francisco, why do your last hours have to be so painful? 

oh goddddd. I absolutely loathe whiling around and waiting in airports. It makes me feel like I've got so much more to live for. Right now, it's 15 minutes to 4am. bloody hell, I've got another 6 hours to go. I can't sleep, privacy and dignity are privileges. I keep laughing for technically having spent the 'night' lying on the floor in between my brother and a rather hipster-looking minstrel. Quite the charmer he was, really. 

oh wait. i can hear murmurs of disapproval from conservatives. Somewhat along the lines of "oh look! she even sleeps with strangers now!" I am of course only speaking hypothetically. 

With no regards for the date, i don't even know what day it is. I just want to land in LA and get some well-deserved sleep. What's a girl gotta do in an airport quite dead at 4am? 

On second hand, cut the thought. I see a crowd of co-travellers who look like they could be fragrance and apparel models. Now to wipe off the drool and approach them without choking on my own tongue.

At long last, this day has finally arrived, but I still feel a little dissatisfied with the way things are turning out now. Stuck in an airport for the night because my mum felt it was appropriate that my brother and I make a headstart first by train with the heaviest luggages. The worst part is, we agreed to it and we now regret. How ironically funny it is. But oh not to worry, we've got only about another 14 hours to wait...alone. It's almost comical to recall just how much we struggled to get here, who we saw and met on the subway and how I (critically) got myself a luggage cut - just like a paper cut. Hurts like shit though. 

I keep telling myself, I'll pull through the night, but its only freaking 8.30pm. Let the stern staredown from all airport scurity commence. 

Being here has taught me an awful lot of survival, nonchalance and has stirred a lust for travel and a dventure. 

I just realized there's something that I have to point out about a wandress - more specifically a person with a love of wandering, travel and nomadic emotions. 

A wandress' heart has no home. She lives and breathes discomfort, roughing it out on the shores of everything unfamiliar, basking in how alien it all feels. She feels at peace there. A wandress, she'll never fully love a man. It's not that she's incapable of it; but it's because in between her love for a man and her love for wandering, she will always pick the latter. It's not that it doesn't hurt her in losing her man, but it's because in comparison, if she loses her freedom to wander, the void within her gapes at  her hearstrings painfully. She can and she will love, but a wanderer at heart stays a wanderer for good.

The wandering I refer to is completely about a person who is nomadic and prefers to spend their lives living sporadically and on the individualistic track. It's all about independence and a line of distinction that classifies them as somewhat constantly in motion. 

I am not a wanderer, by the way...just thought I'd clarify. But three weeks here, I'm lo sing my ability to actually care anymore.Homebound now.  

Oh, i am confused by time zones. 

Do you ever feel like you're home even when you're not? Much like it's just the way you feel around a place or a person. None in reference, by the way.

That's how i feel now. At home, but in discomfort. I'm far from home and although i love the city of San Francisco and it's eccentricity, it's still an empty love. 

At home, i take hot showers when i'm sad or angry. Here, i take cold showers instead. Considering it's winter, my body is dead. 

Honestly, it's too early for this shit. Have a great day everyone. 

Iridescence of the Heart

As I was struck near-frozen today by the Utah cold, it suddenly occurred to me how blessed I have been. 

The opportunity to see the States is overwhelming and although i have experienced various aspects of the American culture and lifetsyle, i wouldn't want too reside here just yet. America is wonderful, a country where their people are proud of their own accomplishments as much as they are of their diversity. I'd love to live in New York one day, something so riveting about the urban lifestyle that entices me. 

Also, I've constantly prided myself on being organized, systematic and planned. i cannot stand chaos, absolutely. But lately and more accurately, during this trip, i've been such a klutz, misplacing my stuff and getting lost more enough than often. Thankfully, things have worked out miraculously. Thank God.

Furthermore, it is also a moment of discovery and realization. I think I've found how time supposedly heals all wounds, simultaneously like how absence makes the heart fonder, how absolutely complex i sound occasionally even to myself, a birdseye comparison of the american teen vs. malaysian teen (character-wise), the importance of art and culture in one's lifestyle, fickleness of perceptions, living out lies, quality of life and the thoughts of an adventuress. 

Yet, once again, I've come to notice that it's an meaningless and empty existence we try to fill up and fulfil. 

So, i can't wait to move from this spot. five days here is taking a toll on me. i kind of wish for something less exciting to happen. got back from san diego and i wake up to hear a 6.3 magnitude earthquake's occurred there. don't know whether to laugh or cry. 

sometimes, i feel this works like twitter. lol i'm too tired to care. 

it's 3am LA time, seems like i can't sleep off anymore. my head's here, but my heart's at home. i need some warmth, food and tacos. 

i'll never get you. this torrid affair. you string them on and you crash their hopes. 

it's really chilly out here in LA, i've only landed two days ago and i'm struggling to get into the shower without freezing my ass off in between. i'll never be one of those still out and about in shorts and tees. sorry i'm vulgar. it's 4.02am and i can't sleep. 

if you're wondering if i'm equally screwed in the States, i am *insert cynical laugh*. i just want to keep so busy i won't have room to think. this wifi kills me for constantly disconnecting. 

Visited H&M for the first time yesterday, i died within. now i've just got to remember to keep my socks on all the time. it sucks when you're trying desperately to keep your metabolism rate running double high to burn the amount of food you're taking in. 

ack. i fail to see logic in ranting now. i'm exhausted, but i can't sleep. sleepy, but i can't dream. at least i don't want to. 

it's tough love when you care for someone who's only concerned about themselves.  chauvinistic ass. 

source: lovekcsquared57.tumblr.com

I'm terrified of leaving. I don't know why. I don't want to leave. I feel like as if I'm never coming back again. And and and and I still need closure! I still need closure. Lots and lots of closure. I need an explanation and I need to understand. To understand why you did what you did and why you still do it.

Why do you have to be so unpredictable and unreadable? I don't understand you at all and though I try to, there's obviously too much of a difference between us. 

source: cardiostimulator

it's 5am, one day prior to my departure. and i think i've found the closure i needed. 

At home finally after a hectic night. My eyes feel like they're about to start malfunctioning. Anyway, finals are temporarily over. It certainly doesn't feel that way though, i just know deep down there are going to be massive changes next semester and it sucks that i can't be ignorant about it.

I'm not really sure what to blog about now, my thumbs are sore and i'm still suffering a rash from last night's effects. Right now, i just feel so at peace in the kitchen, surrounded by a piling list of things to pack; too lazy to even get my laptop. In all excitement, I've never dreaded a trip this much before. 

Whatever. I'm going to procrastinate packing. I've got a large amount of people i need to talk to before i leave. why? because i always seek closure. 

a post-mortem of pre-death.

I'm 10 hours away from my final paper of the year. Comparatively, I feel slightly comforted that I've covered more than I did at this time two days ago with journalism. Hahaha who am I kidding? Advertising isn't for the weak at heart. Nobody really wants to know which consumer you're trying to fool...I kid. Somebody's gotta do the job and at this point, it's me. 

source: niknak79

I'm fazed by the amount of notes I've made. Round one's almost over. Now on for round two and three. Acckkk. 

"Both can be equally effective; they just touched the consumer in entirely different ways."

I don't know why I keep laughing at this sentence. Get it? Touched. Hahahaha

Ermagherd. It's getting to me, advertising is getting to me. 

At this moment, I'm feeling insane from all the adrenaline. I hope this suffices your curiosity.

Curiosity kills, by the way. 

I think I'm beginning to think of writing as therapy. 

I've got one last paper but i'm so not in the mood for it. i feel terrified and excited of having to leave. at the same time, my heart houses a gaping wound that seems to mend and tear itself up frequently. 

it's almost as if i've learnt to survive in a world of pain, where it doesn't exist, i'd forget and take everything for granted. i guess that's how God keeps us grounded.

you know, i'd be surprised if i met a fellow teen who didn't feel pain. because that'd be weird. just saying.

i can't even cry anymore. and i find that hilarious, my eyes stay dry. ermagerd no, what have i become? lol.  

dissipation beforehand

It rains once more. Such a dreary day in Malaysia. ermagherd. I should probably get used to the feeling before i face an onslaught of cold winds, chills and a crave for the comparative warmth of the equator. 

I need a moment to laugh at myself. I'm in such a foul mood. Whether from studying or something else, i'm not sure. Complex people are complex. But i could hit myself for feeling so devoid of emotions at this hour. I've got a journalism paper tomorrow and I'm halfway done understanding the concepts. I know fully well that my panic jag will kick in at approximately 2am tomorrow, but i can't care. 

The only thing i actually am feeling bothered about is the fact that I find myself focusing more on cardio and tricep workouts , taking long mental walks, keeping more information to myself and wishing for adventure. I want to forget, but now's not the time. I also fully know that it's not the time to focus on being a health freak; but it's a great distraction. 

And i wonder why I have so much to say, but so little ever comes out. Heh the stress kicks in once more. I wanna go for a midnight swim and pre-dawn lights. Before it's too late. 

Something i'll never understand about humans, we always want something we can't get; because the forbidden fruit looks so enticing from afar. But when we do get it, it's usually beneath our expectations. That's when we realize that rules are established for our protection and our best interests. What's to realize if you never learn? What's to learn if you never fall? What's to fall if you never hurt?

source:weheartit

via: t0rtured--within

But, we're cool that way. 

Finals start tomorrow. I'm not ready. again. 

Live a life of confusion

source: we-will-never-be-together

I'm sorry, but I'm always going to be the person who'll -

Always give you up, 

Always let you down 

Always run around and desert you 

Always make you cry, 

Always say goodbye 

Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I'm just, no good for you. We both know it; yet we can't come to terms with it just yet. 

The Clockmaker's Lie

it's a dreary sunday evening and some of us aren't home to enjoy the comforts of our bed and catch up on our lack of sleep.

i'm anticipating dinner and i still have my last assignment to upload. ohmygod and i need to start studying!!!!

even the guys have gotten ahead of me on this one. must catch up. 

maybe i'm feeling much better and more focused. my attention is less spaced and i'm addicted to a diet of high concentration of willpower. anything to keep me going. 

bear in mind, i'm not looking for a lover; i just need a friend. 

I want my warm bed and a good night's rest now. 

via: restaurer

But I laugh; out of cynicism, irony and self-pity. I joke, I never never allow self-pity. I laugh because I have to stay up and finish up my final assignment. And then freaking upload it because I should get it over with and not bother about how others are taking their time.

Three days til finals start, my insides are tingling. 

For tonight, nothing can make me leave my bed.

i swear i blog too much today. gonna go on a coffee run later and see if i can liberate myself from my self-imposed imprisonment. 

i cannot and must not be weak; i should not give in to temptations. it's a disappointment. 

what we can't have, we covet; what we already have, we ask for more. 

too much journalism notes can kill a person's brain cells. but when you're in a house with a fighter, an actor and a dysfunctional liar - you'll learn from them as well. 

for all the things i can't say out here. 

it's an existentialist existence, i'll never really understand. 

i know - blogging during brunch because twitter's too mainstream and i'm much too in love with my current playlist. credits to extra phone memory :3

i digress. the ultimate point here is, i still miss you.  

when it comes to coming to terms with a loss, it's never going to get any easier. it's an unfathomable void of emptiness within your being that you  just can't fill. and you're going to try getting yourself distracted but in the end, you can't run forever. 

it's been years - i hate it. then i realize that i'm filled with voids other people are meant to fill. not just one, and i can't be self-sufficient. 

it feels like dying here - but i won't see you anymore. and we both know it. 

i finally understand what people mean when they say they have too much on their minds. it's freaking 4am and my brain overthinks. i wonder why i'm put in situations like these. is it for laughs? because i certainly don't think its funny. 

when the silence becomes unbearable, that's when you figure out that you're empty inside too. 

imma try to get some sleep. 

via:on3-n1ght

Everything seems like a city of dreams 

I never know why

but I still miss you.

I should be studying hard now. Very very very hard. I'm about to do that. But it's 1 in the morning for crying out loud. I think my playlist deserves a better look at now. My brain is craving a lot of shit and when recommendations come flying in, I just add to the growing list of 'favourites'. 

source: 100304

I should be dancing, like this. Hahaha but I don't care.