I realize that it's probably not the best time to have epiphanies, but hell...epiphanies don't wait for anyone.
It has been an extended version of last week. Although it's only Monday, my body has reached its emotional highest and lowest that I've been in ages. Presumably from the stress of the exam (mainly studying at the last minute) - and no, it's not all procrastination's fault this round. I actually did study about a week ahead; but thanks to unequal distribution of workload, some of us ended up pouring more of our efforts into ensuring the entire group got their marks.
There are so so so many things that are at the tip of my tongue just waiting to be said, but when I actually stop for a bit to listen to what I have in mind, nothing comes out right. Everything comes out a jumble of words and emotions. So before I immerse myself in my thoughts; I must clarify that I am still in an extremely foul mood. The lack of sleep, lack of knowledge on consumer behavior and the fact that I haven't touched coffee in almost a month, is taking a really heavy toll on me.
First of all, I have to start out with how wronged I have assumed college to be. So far, it's been the best phase of my life - only because I flow with the phases and also because I just take things as they come - for better or worse. I have experienced so many things, and when I look back to how I was last year, I want to chuckle and tell my pre-mature self then to harden her heart, so she would not get the chance of being hurt.
via: nadia-ainsworth
Anyway, it's because I trust my anonymity and my readers anonymity that I'm throwing a little caution to the wind now.
College is a bittersweet place. It's a preview of the cut-throat world out there, yet it's a more civilized and muted version. It's amazing how a person can change so much over the course of a year. All these trials that we've gone through as individuals and as friends have certainly toughened us up. You learn which are the friends that are worth keeping, some friends who give up along the way, others whom you never expected to click with but yet find themselves in your life. Honestly, it's like an escalating drama scale, each semester only gets more dramatic.
When I hear of people complaining of how boring their college "classroom" lives are, I snicker. It's been hell here, the good and the bad all mashed up into a really messy mix of bitching-backstabbing-loving-hating. There's community jokes, collective amusement, social puffing, poker-faces, stoned-faces, pot-heads and the occasional child. Yet, it's the diversity that these people bring that makes it so interesting.
On the other hand, when a burning flame dies out, there'll still be the charred remains of what it was. And it's always going to sting a little just thinking about it. It may involve pride, dignity and a whole lot of other bullshit that was uncalled for; but overall, I'm glad I went through what I went through last year. It's made me into this whole other person. It's funny how accurate the process of how people go on from being strangers to acquaintances to friends to (more-than-friends) and then after a screw up, skipping out the entire process and goes back to being strangers again.
I can't say that there weren't any victims involved. Many many many people got hurt. It wasn't only from an emotional aspect. There's a bitter after-taste in thinking about how the lies were spun and how wrong everyone was about it. And then there came the whole trust issue. What's left of that for now is, act like it doesn't bother you. Initially, the pretense will bug one, but over time; it'll be like second nature - being cold is a cultivated habit. Hear no evil, feel no pain. Spare not a glance in the direction of those who don't deserve it.
Also, I've grown to be really fond of some people despite the many flaws that they have. It's amazing how unconditional love is. Knowing a person and how their flaws scar you, but yet you love them still. And the best part about all of this is that you never know what to expect. Just months ago, I was strangers with half the people I am so attached to now. I find it so amusing how we just picked up this friendship and continued as if we'd left it of years ago. Learning and growing with them is wonderful.
Simultaneously where new friendships start, old ones fade. I have this instinctive gut feeling that although we survived both the first and second semesters together (barely). And we've been through so many rough patches, it feels as if it goodbye. I try to hold on to them, but it's hard whenever you feel out of place with them. It's such a sad thing, really.
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Furthermore, how many times have they said not to get into it if you can foresee yourself getting hurt? They say it every time. Yet, one can never really help themselves because emotions are always running high and they can't be controlled logically, Sometimes I wish he would do something so bad to screw up so I wouldn't bother turning his direction again, because the state that I'm in now has left me all rattled and confused. I wish I could understand him better on a platonic level first and foremost, but our differences are just too great. And yet, we get along well.
I feel like it is the end of the road now. And hopefully, this road will pick up when the next semester starts. I really don't want anything to change, because I've gotten attached to it. But I know change is inevitable. And with change, comes better prospects and new life experiences. What I want out of life, what I want to do; I realize, matters to no one, but myself. So I'll just keep this part of my life a close memory to my heart.
So, I can't help feeling really sad now. Really really really sad. A gaping wound in my heart. So with this salute, I shall return to my books and hope that all's well.
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