source: weheartit

via: stopupsettingyourself

I've always admired patient people.

I don't know if I can grasp on much longer. Everything feels so twisted. I laugh, and others immediately assumed I'm intoxicated. I smile, and they believe everything's fine. Am I that good of a liar?

It's far too early for this, but I need a ranting avenue. And although I'm frightfully surprised of the amount of readers I get, I couldn't care right now. I need to let it out, else my internal composure disintegrates.

The past few days, I've been exhausted to near collapsing. I've been disappointed far too many times and frustrated all the time. It's my own fault, for lacking a system in careful management. I feel horrible that there is an imbalance in the team and that somebody else has to take over my responsibilities since the need has already risen.

I've been questioning a couple of things about myself too. Like for example, my ability to just accept someone for who they are despite the past that they bring. Is it wrong to do so? No, it isn't. But I don't see a hope of changing them. I don't want to make that choice for them, let alone force them into doing something that they are reluctant to in the first place.

I sit here, at my laptop at this ungodly hour. And it's at this minute that I'm fully aware I won't be sleeping tonight. I really really really hope to God that I survive this week. In between filming, getting together our newspaper, preparing for a piano exam (that I seem to have neglected), writing article after article, completing research papers and designs (that have no relevance whatsoever to the subject), attempting to understand ridiculous questions on our student forum - how am I going to manage???? 

I just want to scream and kick something now. Food, sleep, warmth and acceptance are the last things I seek and I honestly couldn't give two shits about my appearance these days.

It's in moments like these that I sought to find peace. I take long walks and I long to light up, but my principles won't permit me to do so. I question my existence and want to cry over feeling so empty, but I don't...because I have no tears to spare - not for myself or for anyone. And it's at this point that I worry, whether or not I'm myself. Whether or not I have lost that compassion and passion in me. 

I guess, for now; I'll be that heartless bitch that everyone assumes I am. Until I put aside my priorities and allow myself to get in touch with my essence once more. 

My thoughts are a jumble at 2. And I don't want to talk about it in person now.