pretend you can't feel, and you won't feel.

hey citizens,

i am once more blogging from my phone, because i feel that the last day of november should be acknowledged. it'll be the 1st of december tomorrow; and i feel pained to note that this is the last month to a very long and eventful year. i'd like to remember, because i'm scared to forget. i'd hate to grow old and not remember what i did when  i was 17 and questioning. maybe i'd still be questioning at the age of 40? 

A plethora of things has happened this year, reminiscing it often brings me bitterness, but i note that i have changed so much as a person and my expectations of life have developed further.

i don't want to turn 18 knowing i didn't do things the way i should have, but that's what youth is for, isn't it? to stumble,  fall and get hurt - only to pick ourselves up later. i've learnt the weak always stay down, but the strong pick themselves up. they don't recover immediately, but that's where they're strong, they put on a front the world cannot see through.

Days ago, i came to an epiphany. we often overlook the fact that everyone has a past, something painful that hurts them and still does; because we're too caught up with our own lives. sometimes, i wish i wasn't so self absorbed, but honestly honestly honestly - who has time to worry about others when you're struggling in your own shoes enough as it is?

I've  also learnt that physical attractions are fleeting and shortlived. one can't be affected by something when they don't allow themselves to be affected. i refuse to think,  most of the time. and i'm awfully good at pretending, so much to the point of believing my own pretenses. 

i'd like a real mental, emotional and spiritual connection, not something anyone else can tap into, but a world that is exclusively for the both of us. because romance should never be open. 

sometimes, we just grow too tired of caring anymore. 

happy november everyone. cheers to the 11th month of the year. may it be a time of lessons learnt. 

screw it, imma head back to my books, cause i have a long night ahead. i long for a drink. wtf. 

via: secretdreamlife

I find peace when it rains. Even if it makes me feel crappy. Somehow, something about being surrounded by water makes me feel so liberated and insecure at the same time. 

Hahahahaha I laugh because I can't cry. Goodnight.

via:neelam231

I was thinking I could crash early tonight, but I guess not? 

I still want to hit something badly. My violent bouts tend to get a lot more worse when I'm under much duress. I can only imagine how hard the rest of us are working, and how much easier some of us are having it. screw it.

It used to be because I couldn't sleep, now; it's because I don't have the time to waste on sleep. Usually, when I list out the things I have to do, I feel a little bit better. And at this point, I have two reports and an illustrator work waiting for me. 

Hey, it suddenly doesn't seem so bad. I hate procrastinating, yet; every/all the time, I find myself doing just that. And this week is supposed to be study break, but why oh why are we still having to go back to college to finish up assignments and hand in our final papers. AND study for finals at the same time. 

I'm so tired, but I realized I'm so blessed in many ways. 

I have had an epiphany; where I've realized that not everything that looks like a blessing is one, it could be a curse. And I must thank the Lord for that.

Apart from that, my emotional being will still hurt temporarily; otherwise, time only heals all wounds, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'll look back on this, chew on my lip and sigh saying, "You know, I'm glad that happened, because I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for this." 

Pain is all part of the growing process. And where distance is needed, let there be distance. I'm too tired to care, too confused to give a shit and honestly, too drained to even feel anything. I wish the best for you.

via: ggerrard

Sometimes, I think I hold back too much.

This week, has thus by far been the most sleepless week I've ever gotten. I've spent every single day in college and every night cramming in homework and whatever sleep I can, which is close to nothing and nothing even on most nights. 

I long for a break. I long for fairness to be served. 

And just this morning, when I felt like breaking down; I allowed myself to, for a moment. Only to realize that nothing would come out. My eyes were dry as a desert and my heart as numb as an after-shock. I'm somewhere in between getting really experienced at pain or just growing too cold. 

I don't like being numb all the time. It hurts too. 

via: itstheendlessyearning

It's a tragic world we live in. Always alone.

thesmoketomyhigh

Oh yes. It's Sunday and I'm not in church. I'm feeling ultra-guilty about it.

But I have a load of work to do and we're meeting up again later.

My biological clock is so screwed up, I can't think straight; I can't even see straight anymore.

I can't even remember the last time I got to sleep. No sleep. No sleep. 

Mother of god. 

Coffee, please.

No food, it grosses me out.

And plenty plenty of distractions.

I'm going to put my all into it now.

source: gabriellecott

source:fuckyomutherr

Contrary to the picture, I've been feeling really cold these days. Affected, but unaffected; expressive, but expressionless; and needless to say, I'm devoid of any warmth.

My entire being in a state of numb that I can't comprehend. I don't blame anything, because it's always inside me. But I do think that it's the build-up of having to deal with looming assignments, the pressure of not being able to meet the deadline; my piano exam, impending death and the loss of someone I never knew.

I find peace in so little things these days, that every moment I get, I close my eyes and fall asleep. It's an escapist thing really, to just sleep it off. But if you must know, I don't get much of that. 

Three nights without sleep and a fourth with only 3 hours sleep, I mean...I could really die. Haha 

source:orionfalls

When I think of the future, I really don't know what to expect. I could be gone, soon. Just like everybody could be gone soon. And then I wonder why the hell am I being philosophical at 10 in the morning. It's probably just because I have to be back in college at 11 on an effing Saturday and I'm just too tired to care.

I want to be numb. And have everything muted, for now. I don't want to feel. I don't want to. I'm too tired to do anything not work-related and it's just driving me in endless circles about my own person. What happened to the girl who was so passionate about living? She's gone. Sucked dry.

Maybe she'll come back in a while. 

For now, I just want to cope with everything with a brave front on. I don't want to care where things aren't worth thinking about. So, as of this moment, none of this ever happened. Nothing happened. 

I've been running two days without sleep. I think I could die. I swear.

Somehow, my workload's never-ending. And I just can't push myself any further.
I need to crash now. Badly.

My entire being feels so crumpled, empty and lost. I shouldn't feel this way.
I am confused. I need to sleep.