"are you alright?"

So, if you must know; the week has been beautifully pleasant thus far; and it only seems to be getting better.

I've been working hard and mad to meet all the deadlines on the remaining assignments. A part of me is wondering why I'm bothered to go through with such unnecessary trivialities when my absence next semester has already been confirmed, but the answer is: I simply cannot leave it unfinished. 

If you know me well enough, I cannot leave something hanging. I cannot leave something un-turned without closure. Because I need the peace that accompanies it. 

Uncharacteristic of me, I've been getting up to a lot of mischief lately. And riding on highs and lows of an emotional rollercoaster. I believe in many things that are not often correct or true; and being stubborn bruises your ego and your mind when one is proved wrong. 

It was at 3.23am on a Tuesday morning when I found myself feeling at an extreme low. The lowest of lows that I have felt in months. So low I didn't even see a way out. Naturally, E noticed the dip in my tone. 

"Are you alright?" He asked. 

Those 3 words had a magical effect. I wasn't. I wasn't even close to being alright. I was going through a fraction of a life's crisis. All at 3.23am. But I knew then and there that it would be alright. Everything will be alright. 

One day, you'll wake up next to the person you love the most in the world. You'll make pancakes for breakfast and you'll know that everything is alright. 

But for now, pushing through this high and low both is rewarding in itself. And it is such a blessing to feel free and liberated. 

So close to home

"Why are you alone?" A soothing tenor voice crooned against my ear. 

I found myself face to face with a rather dashing young gentleman. He certainly had poise, a good command of the language and wasn't lacking in looks either. But he certainly lacked something - diplomacy. 

"I'm not alone." I tell him, moving 3 steps back, unnerved by the width of intimacy he imposed upon my face (and the rest of me). 

I've been asked this question quite a number of times the past week. In different scenarios of course and I occasionally wonder if I have a very "single and alone" look that is cause for this. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten adequate answers. 

What I'm truly curious about, is the nature of why people ask that question. Why do they use "why" and not simply just "Are you alone"? Is it such a big deal to turn up at a party, sit in a cafe, walk in the mall alone? 

I enjoy being alone on many occasions, and I strongly believe that there's nothing wrong with being alone or being single. Some people are so, by choice; others have it forced upon them. But whatever it is, one should make the best out of it. 

Needless to say, the freedom is addictive. No weights to hold you down. And I'm enjoying every ride on this journey.

Little Blessings.

It is rare these days that I am home before 10.30pm. My days are filled to the brim with errands, projects, university assignments and other things I indulge myself in. To put it quite frankly, I enjoy the space I have afforded to myself and my whims in attending to things with which I didn’t have time for before.  

I could get used to more of this freedom. 

But oh, I have forgotten what a novelty and a privilege it is to be able to curl up in bed surrounded by plush pillows, silk blankets, a warm mug of coffee and my favorite TV series before midnight.

via: happiness-and-summer

Now, nights are full of the sound of wondrous silence, sleepless thoughts and such a sober mind. A blessing it is, to sleep before 3am. But I can’t sleep, not until 4am, at least. And by then, the world is slowly awakening from their slumber and it makes me stir inside. I constantly find myself waiting for exhaustion to overwhelm me.

And now,

What a wrong time it is to be addicted to the Game of Thrones. I’ve never been so fascinated by a plot that keeps thickening with each episode. It does not hold the same trashy content that CW usually keeps as the basis of their series. In fact, every single nude and sex scene is completely justified and in line with the plot.

via: markruffalio

I’ve been fully immersed with Season One and the eloquence of their scripts. This would not be a problem had I not a stack of assignments to attend to and countless other important things to do. So while I try to get my life reorganized, it is somewhat both thrilling and amusing in learning to balance it all.

"Some men take their battles more seriously than others."

The adventure begins

How can I say I love to write when I haven't been religiously updating my blog?

So, in an attempt at reorganizing my life, I have decided to take some drastic measures to improve it (haha).

But for now, I'm going on a temporary hiatus to sort several things out. Hopefully by the end of this week, the storm would have calmed and then I can truly live.  

Baby steps

It happens slowly and suddenly; one morning you wake up and you just don't care anymore. 

You think about him every night. He crosses your mind every single day and you're wondering, "when will all of this stop?"

Truthfully, it doesn't stop immediately; but over a period of time. It stops when you've begun to accept that there is no chance of reconciliation, ever. And you move on. 

Then it happens, you forget about him. For a day, but hey; baby steps. 

You fill your nights with good company, laughter, jokes, quality talks and anecdotes. They become new memories in your frazzled and broken state; but you're slowly being pieced together again by the people you encounter and surround yourself with. 

It happens then. One night turns into two; then three. And long before you know it, he crosses your mind ever so rarely. You're happier, and you damn well deserve better. 

He was right, about a lot of things. But he was also wrong. You are right, and you are also wrong. But you can choose to believe that his letting you go is a blessing in disguise. 

That night you bumped into him, he wasn't the same boy you fell in love with. He was a remnant semblance of the person. That boy, is long gone. He was gone the minute he decided to let you go. 

He had the strength to do what you didn't do. 

But you're going to thank him for it. In fact, you're already thanking him for it. 

Because nothing good ever comes out of something like this. You loved him so much you lost sight of what was important. 

It's time you find it now. 

It's a funny thing in life when you start giving up on yourself. 

I was about to give up on myself. I surrendered. I just lay there (figuratively speaking), waiting. Waiting in silence; in small hopes that great things would come my way. I didn't know where to start. I have my answers this week. Not all the answers, but they came in time...and just when I needed them. 

Over the past weekend, I did things rather uncharacteristic of me. I went on a hike; with pretty much 5 of some of my closest friends. The entire hike, was looking out for one another, cracking hilarious puns and laughing our stamina's worth out. When I got to the peak, I felt a surreal kind of peace that I hadn't experienced in a while. I felt happier than I'd been in ages. 

Over the past few days, I've been feeling happier too. 

I met a couple of people I never expected to meet. They are the kind of people I could write books about. They are poetry, beautiful messes and wonderful characters. Tragic people to encounter but wonderful friends to have. I encountered situations I never had to encounter before; I smiled and laughed more than I ever expected I would at this point in time. 

And today, I found myself actually enjoying being surrounded by a bunch of people I would never have been friends with by choice. It isn't because I am picky with my friends; but if we were never thrown together; we probably would never have crossed paths. 

I smiled when I saw a dear friend, begged him to have lunch one of these days; simply because, we haven't actually had a decent time together in almost forever. 

I realize that although I am not constantly surrounded by people; or my group of friends aren't "popular" or out of the stack beautiful; they are themselves beautiful people. They aren't run-of-the-mill supermodel lookers, but they are beautiful for what they are. They bring the brightest of colours to the palette. 

And when his best friend smiles a quiet and knowing smile at me, it is as if he is urging me to move on. Slowly, but surely. And I know that even though he won't be around; the other one will. That is more than enough comfort to have. 

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it. 

Stop believing that someone was your entire story. You were only a single sentence to them. 

Stop trying to find means of closure; closure will come when you are ready. 

Stop feeling the hurt and pain associated with departure. It is a good thing, beginnings are a good thing.