So things are going well. Great, in fact. You're in the middle of a lovely day, midst conversation, surrounded by a large group of people who love you, the laughter and smiles around you are contagious - you're filled with this inexplicable sense of sadness. 

All of a sudden, it doesn't how solid and at peace you've been feeling, because all that disappears in a millisecond and you're facing a deep, dark voice of uncertainty, panic and fear. 

You know fully well this cannot be outrun, cannot be accounted for - cannot be questioned and there is no answer as to what it means for you. Often times, I wonder where this stems from - but it seems like it'll always be a rhetorical question with no answer to. 

Rinse & Repeat: An Adventurous Cycle

It's been almost 2 months. I try to recall a list of regrets or anything that weighs me down with sadness and I have nothing - I am simply bursting with joy and excitement.
I remind myself that happiness too, should be documented. 

The past 2 months have been exhilarating. Waking from the longest daze of my life, I felt like I was looking at the world in new technicolour. 

****************

His fingers punctuated his keyboard with urgency and his eyes squinted over the screen. 

That's what focus looks like, I remember thinking. 

****************

"You cannot drop me, I have too much to live for," I huffed out, short on air - as I clung on dearly to the route. 

"It's okay, I got you." 

****************

"You're a fascinating one," he chuckles, handing me my coffee, careful to brush those fingers over mine. 

"Thanks, I know." 

****************

"You're like a diamond in the rough. Lucky me." He grins a boyish lopsided grin.  

"Yeah, I am pretty fortunate." 

****************

"Come see me in Melbourne. We'll go hiking, climbing and we'll even do the camper van. We'll have a great time," His hands on my own - fingers slowly intertwining with mine. 

And I tasted tequila on my lips. 

****************

"You seem really occupied. You're replying, but you're not really "here" now. I want there to be a future where you'll be fully present in our conversation." His eyes downcast and he chews on the edge of his lip. 

"I don't know what to say." 

"It's really okay. I'll wait." 

And I know he will. 

****************

"I think we'd make a great us-against-the-world narrative," He tilts his head, challenging me. 

"Please don't fall in love with me." 

****************

"How is it we've never really spoken until now? We've known each other for years," He leans forward, incredulous and somewhat surprised. 

"I guess the timing wasn't right." 

"It is now." 

****************

"What happens now?" 

It's a genuine question. I don't quite know myself, "I don't know." 

"Well, I want to be with you." 

"I can't. I'm in a happy place with myself right now." 

****************

"You're absolutely glowing!" He envelopes me in a hug and all I feel is warmth and comfort of an old friend. 

"I'm the happiest I've been in the longest time." 

"Welcome back." 

****************

"Can you feel that?" He grabs my hand and puts it against his chest."That's my heart going insanely fast, feel it!" 

"Why?" 

"You drive me insane." 

****************

My best friend is concerned, I can tell. Her eyebrows are furrowed as she looks at me, tilting her head and trying to figure me out. 

"What's going to happen?" 

"Nothing," I say, "Because I'm so happy on my own; I don't validation from anyone else." 

The majority of people I've met in their 30s and 40s share a similar sentiment towards their 20s - citing those were the peak of their lives. As a fresh 21-year-old graduate who still has no direction in life, I feel really disoriented in the bigger picture. 

I can possible attribute these feelings towards anxiety, FOMO and perfectionistic tendencies. I've never possessed qualities of a role model, one who is balanced in mind and in life. On the contrary, I am anything but balanced, despite trying to revolve my life around balance and fun. 

Being unemployed doesn't help. I've always envisioned my life at this point in time to be somewhat more organized and focused, with a set direction. That was years ago; before I decided on a course to pursue. Having pursued that, graduated and putting more thought to an industry to get into; I still am very much clueless. 

So, I reckon now would be the best time to explore the best options my 20s can provide, and think up ways to maximized all the experiences that matter. Call it an experimental phase? 

With that being said, I am currently embarking on experimental writing, trying to pinpoint an aspect of writing that I might find comfortable - be it advice columns, to lifestyle and self-help guides. 

I am unsure why I put off writing something this important down for far too long. I've thought and pondered upon this cause; could it be, that I am ashamed of what I have to say? 

Or perhaps, it was the difficulty of accepting the truth of this revelation for me. 

I have always kept my work low-key and quiet, for fear it may reach the eyes of others. Most often, I do not want them to know what I have to say less it be filtered; this time, it shan't be. 

Many a night I lay awake in a ponderous silence, sleep unable to overcome me. Sleep long taken the others I love, refuses to make its comforts known to me. And as I turn the cornerstones of the threshold of my consciousness, I once more feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness draw me in. 

Nobody else seems to understand this. Neither do they seem to be acquainted with the abysmal sense of despair I constantly feel. No amount of happiness or contentedness can mask this deeply rooted about quintessential feeling of loss, sadness and anguish deep within myself. 

I often wonder if I am alone in this cause. The nightmare that haunts my waking hours, threatening to wrap me in its embrace when I am alone. 

In many ways, I love and loathe solitude for this very reason. The pain of being confronted with the silence of my own mind is almost deafening. 

I put pen to paper many a time and I pray hard that it goes away. It has been 11 years and the feeling still resides within me, having made permanence in the decadent abandonment of my care. I no longer feel so strongly as I once did; but I continue to feel the weight of sadness with such burden. 

Even wrapped up in the arms of the one I love, I still feel alone. 

And I crave a day where I will no longer feel the need to cry myself asleep. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed. 

Waking up with a throbbing head and trying to recall the incidences of the previous night. 

I thought that phase was over, but why is it still here? 

Once burnt, twice shy. 

But it seems to be working adversely this time round.

I was trying to figure out the symbolism behind the Breakfast Club and why it has inspired such a huge cult following. Having watched the film, I feel in a ponderous mood. 

Who are we, really? 

I suppose there's no true answer to this. 

"You are more than what you have become"

what this summer has taught me

What this summer has taught me

While I come to terms with the fact that my (extended) summer break was spent none too wisely, I also understand that the fault lies solely upon myself.

Firstly, there were many things that I did wrong this summer; they range from being idle to fooling around far too much. To cut it short, I invested my time in non-productive efforts. And I regret it immensely now.

Unfortunately for me, it is a little too late to fret over spilt milk.

Here is a list of things that I should have done over this summer break:

-      Done an internship. One or two months (doesn’t matter), it would look good on your CV

-     Picked up several part-time jobs. These in turn help you familiarize yourself with various industries and at the same time allows you to earn a nice side income.

-       Saved up for a rainy day. Instead of spending your days going out with friends and spending money, saving money for a particular purpose will prove very rewarding to yourself in the future.

-       Learn a new language

-       Reacquaint myself with music

-       Start working out, to permanently lose some of that fat and build lean muscle instead.

-       Partied less

-       Be adventurous in the kitchen

-       Done more things on my own.

I should have, in summary: utilized and planned my time better. Call it lack of discipline or whatever it is you may; but it appears as if my resolution for 2015 has gone down the drain…yet again.

On the other hand, I put together a brief list of some of the valuable lessons I learnt during this summer.

1.    Time heals all wounds.

At the start of the summer, I could probably say my life had taken a downward spiral, despite finding my bearings several times; I seemed to have a knack for gravitating back towards the path of self-destruction over and over again. And each time, it took ages to pick myself up and get out of that slump.

It took a lot of tough-love from myself, travelling and meeting other people to finally come to terms with the breakup that was the albatross of my 20^th year. I realized all I had to be was patient and open minded; I should have kept busy doing more productive things instead of indulging in a lifestyle that I am none too proud of.

And while I have recovered from the worst point of my life, I can also safely say that some parts of a person will never recover. One can never love the same twice, but every experience sets you on the path to greater happiness and improvement.

It takes maturity to find wisdom in the midst of pain, but when you do so; you know you’re on the right track.

2.    Never settle

In your 20s, you are at the peak of your youth and life. Bursting with energy and a hunger to live; there is no need for you to be tied down to someone.

Date, not for the sake of dating. Move around. See people. Do things with different people. Expand your network. Meet all kinds of people and maintain an open mind towards it.

There is so much waiting for you out there to be wasted on one person in your youth.

3.    Manage your time better

The magic I would have accomplished had I only managed my time better L

Oh well, you learn from your mistakes. There are plenty that I would have loved to do; and I only regret it when my time left here is short.

4.    Explore all your options

There is always more than one way.

Learn something new every day. Keep a planner. Document each and every thing. Challenge yourself all the time. Step out of your comfort zone.

You’ll never know if you never try.

I end this post on a bright note. To make full use of each and every day that is blessed upon you.