The nights where she's alone and has the world screeching at her doorstep. All the muted sounds of society only a wall away. It's those times that she's absorbed into herself. 

Everyone is moving and she has no place to go; no place to fit in. Behind the lids of those hazel eyes, it's a theater of emotions. The highs of human emotions as well as the lowest of them all. 

Moving on is a very hard thing. At most times, it seems almost humanly impossible to find a way to fix that default brokenness. There is no tape that can glue one's heart back into place. 

No matter how desperate we are to move on; will it be possible to completely forgive someone? 

Will there be a day when what happen doesn't haunt me? 

I really hope so. 

Maybe one day then it won't be so painful. 

I'm trying to revive my blog. I understand not many people want to read the odd/unusual thoughts of a 19 year old; but frankly, it doesn't matter who my audience is. If I have an audience, even. But it's just an avenue to rant under an anonymous guise. I'm well aware that most my readers have no clue to who I am, as only a very few handful of people have this blog link. 

The past couple of days. Or more importantly; the past 46 hours have been quite the lowest of my life. I have never been so doubtful of myself and of love. 

People who know me know I'm well not one of those girls who allow themselves to be stepped over. I used to be timid and easily afraid; but I am rather familiar with the principle of "if one doesn't stick up for themselves, don't expect someone else to". I pride myself as a person who values integrity, honesty, and most of all self-worth. It is not wrong to be of low self-esteem, but it is wrong to allow others to make use of you for that. 

That being said, I also understand the flaws of a human. I am one myself. So is the boy I happen to love. We all make impossible mistakes. And upon thinking back, want to drown and hang ourselves for ever committing such a crime of betrayal. But that doesn't mean we can turn back time and erase all the hurt we've caused. Our actions are all accompanied by consequences. Some worse than others. 

It was hard learning to forgive and move on. I'm not the type of person who easily forgives; although I eventually find it in myself to (a couple years down the line), I am filled with bitterness and sorrow. I honestly have to thank God for his grace in allowing me to get through something like that. 

The astounding peace I felt was beyond description. So calm was I that I could think ever so rationally. Beyond all the hours and hours of crying, tearing and chest-beating (metaphorically speaking), I was able to put my emotions aside; feed myself some food, dress well, bury myself in some assignments; before I finally surrendered my prideful spirit over to the Lord. 

It was in my time of an extreme low that I sought Him and I sought His comfort. The Lord was there in my time of need. 

And for once, I forgave. 

So much has happened in the past close-to 2 month hiatus I have been on. I have learnt and I lived. Life has been impeccably enjoyable and bittersweet the past couple of months. And when it comes to the experiences one lives through, it ought to be recounted upon with a fresh sense of ease and open-mindedness.

My soul yearns to travel. And I have soothed it in a few ways by making a few trips forth and yonder; trying out new things that I hadn't been able to do before. I wanted to be able to do so much more and I realize that it's not about going the entire distance in such a short span of time; but it's over a long period of time. It's about patience and perseverance.

Now that the semester has started up and I'm in a new place; my third time this year, I find myself picking up some old pieces, sort-of starting over. Not trying to be a new person, but changing into one.

I intend to make the most of the last couple of months of my teen years. There's an anguish embitterment in turning into twenty; stuck somewhere between approaching adulthood as well as having closed the book upon teenager-y.

While my holiday was mostly productively spent settling applications to university, tackling the impending battle of government-enforced surveys (if not, one cannot graduate). I also enjoyed devouring books and Wes Andersen's films. So I would think I spent my holiday rather artistically refined, feasting off literature and independent art films.

But now, it's time to get back to the bitter reality of the life of a student. Maybe life isn't as exciting as it will be in the months to come just yet; but I can feel that it'll peak sooner of later.

It's been so long. And now I'm back for good. With technology at the tip of my disposal. It feels good. It would also do me good to remember not to take it for granted.

So I've just been struck with an array of thoughts.

1. How fleeting life is. Where do we go next?

Over the course of my lifetime, the incident last night will forever remain an etched memory in my heart. Not for what it was, but for what it signified and the pain shared. I've never understood or have been made to go through any experience. So when something like that happened, I just zoned out and life took a turn on its own. When faced with the prospect of death, one tends to question everything about their life. From the sole quintessence of their existence to the very purpose they are living for. It still haunts me. Am I wasting my life and defiling my purpose? Or am I really leading a productive life that I'm so inclined to think I am. Am I making the right choices doing what I do, being who I am?

It's just one of those days where weariness doesn't even come close to saving you the pain of analysing your every breath.

2. It stings when you're put in second place.

Nobody likes to feel that they're neglected. Sometimes one does it unintentionally. Other times, it's just taking it for granted. In my case, it's both. The passive aggressive side of me won't allow it. I'm fucking furious and hurt. But I shouldn't allow it to bite at me. Because I realize two things that - i. no man is worth your tears and ii. Nobody is irreplaceable.

3. You lose her with empty words and empty promises.
She'll remember. Women always remember. The bulk of us have this innate ability to hold grudges. Sometimes this makes us bitter; other times it makes us stronger, keeps us focused on the goal that we've been driven to achieve.

4. You'll know when it's not worth it. And you'll let go.

Why? Because there's simply no point in holding on. Let's never mistake strength for pride, firmness for stubbornness and reluctance for laziness.

I've been on hiatus for quite some time now. Perhaps time enough for my return? 

Meanwhile, I'm still away living the barrack life (sort of). It gets better as the days pass like a fleeting phase, that slips unnoticed in the fabric of life. Such is so that I foresee spending the remainder of my 19 days left on the calendar. 

I simply cannot wait to get out of here when I consider the 3 months I put my life on hold to undergo this period of "commitment" to my country. 

But depending on the way a person sees something and the attitude to which they adapt to a certain situation, the whole issue falls into a fray. Maybe some will learn to enjoy it and others despise it still; but whatever the consequence, it serves to teach everyone a lesson. 

This week:

I have learnt to appreciate every single minute I get to spend with my phone. 

That the worst experiences make the best stories

The most distant of friends will come in handy

It's the bridges in moments that are oft forgotten most

Who knew I'd miss glutinous balls so much!

I didn't think it would be possible to be away from home - in both a sad and happy state. I didn't think it would be this easy and this difficult. I didn't think I'd learn this much from being here. It's as if I've just had the shade removed from my eyes. 

To really know one's value, it would need to see that object being taken away from you in the first place. I've never appreciated the amenities that I took for granted until I stepped out of that door; neither did I realize the degree of the relationships and friendships I had with different people until I left home - and being here has magnified the significance of my discovery of each and everyone's position in my life. 

To say that being a part of national service is a waste of time would be partially truthful. I do agree that this place has a way of making you feel like you have so much more to do; and the pointless sitting and waiting around for orders to be given. Of course I still very much want to go home, but I know the next time I leave home, it'll be a lot easier to cope with.

Perhaps this was the break I needed to discover something in life? Where I could finally discover the importance of being independent and street-smart, or to just know that a person's adaptability is based on his attitude. For how could the bane of so many be the joy of a few? Surely they saw something else that others failed to see. 

With this, I apologize for the month long hiatus and promise to update as frequently as I can. Given the service out here is pretty non-existent, I simply hope that the line here will improve as each week passes.