Tuesday, January 28, 2020

day 3. prelude to the end(?)

Tuesday, January 28, 2020
what's yours will find you

baby

it seems effortless for you. you make it look so easy. how do you do it? 

everything i ate tasted like rubber, my feet carried me absentmindedly but i found a renewed focus in all the things i did - i wrote with a single-focused, i fixed my workflow, i studied, i worked out really hard and i crashed. 

i also found the time to be present, i talked (a lot) and i found comfort in a long shower. my joy finds my slowly, in the planning - i read up on melbourne and sydney, for when if we ever make it. i could see it, and then i couldn't. 

i got angry at you today; for intentionally choosing something over us. i didn't understand why you gave me grief for doing it before; but today i feel the pain of having become an alternative. it's not something i want to be accustomed to. and just as quickly as it comes, i find the grace to put it aside. i find grace to move on. 

i don't want to acknowledge this, but i'm getting used to your absence. i don't know if i want this as much as i thought i did. 

because it's possible to love someone so much and consider leaving them even more. 

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