"i can't hold enough of you in my hands" - franz kafkababy
we had a date today, but you didn't make it.
i woke up this morning feeling okay, having slept better - knowing i'll be okay; feeling all the parts of my body like it belongs to me again.
i did really well today on the wall baby, i firmed up my friendship with a reconnected friend, powered through my to-do list, studied hard for mandarin and cantonese, read more. i was very present and i enjoyed all of today.
i wish you made it.
but you were there though, in the brief moments between finishing a climb, taking off my shoes, perusing the aisles in the pharmacy, deciding on a book to read, in the middle of my conversations - you were there. and i wish you weren't.
i almost didn't make it through today. out of habit, out of want, out of sadness, i wanted so badly to reach out to you. to say something, to remind myself that you're still here; that you're still in my life.
in the silence, your absence - what a void. what emptiness. this separation, it isn't firmed - but it feels like it. my heart is in anticipation of this pain. i guess, this is what having to slowly give you up feels like.
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