letters to my love. 6

baby,

in the past week, you've told me something incredibly painful and difficult to swallow.

i've been battling this internal struggle in silence. for so long, i've always admired the strength and resilience others have displayed in times of adversity, those who held their head with grace and dignity.

the problem with feeling, is in the pain of feeling everything so acutely and strongly. there is no grace and dignity in suffering; there is no recognition; no romance or glory in grief.

pain is a lonely feeling. 

and this is the loneliest i've felt with you.

letters to my love. 5

I hurt him today.

loose tongue, prevalent anger and deep-rooted insecurities.

It isn't always great and green. But he makes it worth the fight and if not for us; what else would I be fighting for.

I love him more than I'll do the justice of expressing, and I would never want to jeopardise that.

My heart however, feels immensely sad and my head is telling me to withdraw. Do I need the calling of love above my better judgement?

I love him and I wish he would believe me. 

letters to my love. 4

baby,

despite all that you are, you are a quiet calm to my brewing storm.

in fact, it is you who keeps me flying at mast. you keep me grounded and steer my thoughts in order.

I love all that you are.

letters to my love. 3

baby,

today I had to tell my heart to be still. I felt overwhelmed by how much love I felt for you.

Love. It's such a dangerous thing. He has no idea of the power he has over me. 

I don't know exactly the extent I would go for him. but I'm willing to bet, far.

and while I lay there, in your arms - at home, in my favourite place - my heart feels incredibly heavy with the magnitude of the love I hold for you.

you still feel like a dream. I am afraid to wake up.


yours always,
steph

letters to my love. 2

baby,

the more I see you, the more I love you, the more I miss you. the heavier my heart feels when we part.

you've given me so much in such a short span of time - your life, your stories, your transparency, your passion and compassion. most beautiful yet - you in your unfiltered, unapologetic, beautiful self.

you give me so much more than I can ever ask for. you give me so much reason to reflect and introspect. you give me the freedom to be myself and you carve out this safe space in efforts to support me. you are selfless in this love.

I want to keep learning you. I want to keep loving you.

I look forward to the day we'll no longer have to say goodbye, but merely goodnight.

yours always,
steph

letters to my love. 1

I've always struggled with putting my thoughts into words; but I find myself increasingly compelled to do so - where he is concerned, I am perpetually at a loss for words. How does one describe feelings beyond vocabulary, beyond cognizance, beyond all that is abstract - beyond what is known?

I find myself speechless around you - there is so much I want to say, but cannot. I'm no longer holding back, I just fall short of the right words. I struggle, so much; to verbalise my feelings for you. None of these words, would ever do them justice. 

Every time I write to you, it hurts and I end up in a bundle of tears. Not of sadness, but of profound joy and a wave of emotions that rival the intensity of love, death, war and peace all together. But, I must try to.

You are the love of my life, but you don't know it yet. Maybe one day, I'll tell you. One day, I hope I get to.

****************

baby,

you are fascination in a being. you're an explosive combination of the senses - beautiful, lingering and haunting. yours are the words I want to read; the eyes I look for in a crowd; the touch I crave and the feeling I never want to leave. you, are the memoir I want to write; the memories I want to relive. and ours, is a story I want to keep retelling.

you are the space and thoughts that occupy my mind; colossal and engulfing - you make me feel most alive. my love for you consumes my being - I love you so much my life doesn't feel like my own, my mind doesn't belong to me and my heart is a person.

you are everything I've ever wanted in a person, and more. you are so beautiful, it hurts me. I want to keep learning you.

it is my greatest pleasure and privilege to love you.

yours always,
steph

So things are going well. Great, in fact. You're in the middle of a lovely day, midst conversation, surrounded by a large group of people who love you, the laughter and smiles around you are contagious - you're filled with this inexplicable sense of sadness. 

All of a sudden, it doesn't how solid and at peace you've been feeling, because all that disappears in a millisecond and you're facing a deep, dark voice of uncertainty, panic and fear. 

You know fully well this cannot be outrun, cannot be accounted for - cannot be questioned and there is no answer as to what it means for you. Often times, I wonder where this stems from - but it seems like it'll always be a rhetorical question with no answer to.